Make a Southperrian Cry*

my father was diagnosed with manic depression at the age of 20. he loved my mother and his family but he avoided taking his medication at all costs. my mother divorced him when she realized his disorder was affecting my sister and i. it climaxed when he attempted to kill himself, was discovered, and brought back to a hospital. my mother and him danced to "i guess thats why they call it the blues" by elton john. one morning when i was 5, my sister and i ascended the staircase to our fathers apartment and found him hanging from the ceiling with a makeshift noose around his neck. i loved my father.

side note: i now can no longer listen to "i guess that's why they call it the blues" without crying.

my sister had lost both of her fathers: her paternal father and mine. growing up, i had found her unconscious with an empty bottle of pills beside her on more than one occasion. she grew up an alcoholic. at 18, she married a wonderful guy who i grew very attached to. he was my role model. she divorced him after 3 months. i cant bear to talk to him without feeling ashamed, though he ended up doing great things with his life. my sister now speaks with my coworkers more often than she does with me. i love my sister.

my mother has tremendous guilt issues, also stemming from a troubled childhood (though not the fault of either of her parents). shes judged unfairly by them to this day, and it kills her. her daughter can barely speak with her without insulting her in some manner. she had suffered an awful divorce due to her ex-husband (not my dad) cheating on her then falsely accusing her of abuse (physically, he dwarfed her). he ended up with much of my fathers money. he used to hit me for reasons i continue to believe were stupid as s'hit. she now claims to accept solidarity in her life, alone, without a relationship. it kills me. she has been diagnosed with fibro myalgia, a disease which causes crippling pain. it is incurable and nearly untreatable. there is a high rate of suicide among the effected. she has admitted to me that i am one of the last things keeping her alive. i want her to be happy but the chances of that grow dimmer by the days. i love my mother.

i grew up earlier than i was meant to. i had to be the "man" of the house and watch my sister (though she's 5 years older than me). many who have known me for all of my life have also claimed that i matured faster (mentally). i explained to my mother that i had some form of depression when i was only 8. i was right, and was promptly put on medication to counterbalance my newfound major depression disorder. i realized i wasnt heterosexual when i was about 12. at age 14, i had "come out" to one of my friends. at age 15, i had my nose broken for being a "pineappleing papayagot" by two older boys. my nose is still a wee bit crooked. i had my heart broken twice in high school. i have no confidence when it comes to pursuing relationships. one of my good friends was killed by a drunk driver.i was also involved in a car accident about 2 years ago, in which my rib fractured and poked a hole in my lung. this obviously required relatively invasive surgery, and i now have a dent in my chest, coupled with a sizeable scar. im in college, am now virtually friendless (many of my friends moved to the other side of the country: a feat i could not do, though they asked me), and would kill to have someone to wake up to. i am lonely.

my father was manic depressive. his mother was manic depressive; she killed herself too. i dont know about any others, though one of my uncles does exhibit many signs of a bipolar disorder. spiritually, i live in fear of the legacy of suicide before me. i dont know if ill end up being diagnosed as bipolar. besides my depression (and possibly-related anxiety disorder), i was born with a bicuspid aortic valve. this means that my heart requires more energy to pump than most others, and due to the stress, my aorta has increased to a size that exponentially outshines a normal one. i most likely will require surgery to fix this in the coming years, though its shown no further signs of enlarging. i am scared.

I chuckled a little. Was this supposed to be serious?