2009-09-10, 11:40 PM
Turtally Wrote:First sentence is awkward, maybe you shouldn't say "the air" twice.
The rest was pretty good. I wanna read that rest.
Didn't catch that; What a good pair of second eyes you turned out to be!
Anyways. The story starts out with the ending, pretty much. Next chapter will loop around to before this accident, and then lead up to it. Their relationship will be something of a Montague-Capulet relationship. It will be very interesting.
Revised the sentence, btw. A little less awkward now.