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The Little Black Box - Printable Version

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The Little Black Box - Doxinator - 2009-09-10

Ohai guys. So, the other day while listening to some pwnsome music, I got this awesome idea for a story/book. So, I quickly typed up a small outline of what Chapter 1 is all about. I've got it all planned out in my head, just not all the little, fine details. Once I get drafts of every chapter done, I'll go through and revise it all and add in all the cool little details part.

Anyways. Your feedback, I need it. Here a rough outline of what chapter 1 is. It's called "The Little Black Box".

Chapter 1

 Spoiler

Constructive criticism, please.


The Little Black Box - Turtally - 2009-09-10

First sentence is awkward, maybe you shouldn't say "the air" twice.

The rest was pretty good. I wanna read that rest. Tongue1


The Little Black Box - Doxinator - 2009-09-10

Turtally Wrote:First sentence is awkward, maybe you shouldn't say "the air" twice.

The rest was pretty good. I wanna read that rest. Tongue1

Didn't catch that; What a good pair of second eyes you turned out to be! Tongue1

Anyways. The story starts out with the ending, pretty much. Next chapter will loop around to before this accident, and then lead up to it. Their relationship will be something of a Montague-Capulet relationship. It will be very interesting.

Revised the sentence, btw. A little less awkward now.


The Little Black Box - KajitiSouls - 2009-09-11

Anal analytical guy sez: Starting paragraph could use a bit of revision. Using "the helicopter" twice in two sentences seems a bit uncomely, and I know for sure that the people looking at my drafts would point that out to me. Also, helicopters don't land on uneven, rocky terrain, but instead drop ladders down to drop off/pick up people.