2009-09-03, 09:03 PM
"Dance, Juliet"
I appreciate the marionette-like qualities the speaker attributes towards Juliet. You can clearly understand the situation without being straightforward with it. The last sentence was a little bland for my tastes, though that's honestly up to opinion. The phrase "...somber melancholy bliss..." is a tad redundant, as well. Perhaps "somber" could be removed? This may have been my favorite.
"Whistling Death"
"Nary but alone" is read awkwardly. The rest is very well-written.
"Put On a Mask"
This one seemed a tad drawn-out. The message is clear and your wording is great but it repeats itself a bit too much for my liking.
"Standing Against the Wing"
'He has escaped this madness, forlorn remembrance streaks his hollows
Given up wife and child, given up fame and glory
Now forever watching his home burn to the ground.'
I loved this stanza.
I appreciate the marionette-like qualities the speaker attributes towards Juliet. You can clearly understand the situation without being straightforward with it. The last sentence was a little bland for my tastes, though that's honestly up to opinion. The phrase "...somber melancholy bliss..." is a tad redundant, as well. Perhaps "somber" could be removed? This may have been my favorite.
"Whistling Death"
"Nary but alone" is read awkwardly. The rest is very well-written.
"Put On a Mask"
This one seemed a tad drawn-out. The message is clear and your wording is great but it repeats itself a bit too much for my liking.
"Standing Against the Wing"
'He has escaped this madness, forlorn remembrance streaks his hollows
Given up wife and child, given up fame and glory
Now forever watching his home burn to the ground.'
I loved this stanza.