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please rate these first drafts - Printable Version

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please rate these first drafts - TøbiasBlack - 2009-08-25

these are poems, or short story-type writings.

~Dance Juliet:
 Spoiler

~Whistling Death
 Spoiler

~Put on a Mask, v.1
 Spoiler

all i kinda want to post now.

EDIT::
wrote this last night on lolbasil:

~Standing Against the Wing
 Spoiler

EDIT2::
eventually, eventually meaning whenever i feel like getting around to trying to think about maybe doing it, ill finish the 3rd remake to something i wrote entitled Glass Angel... so far, as it stands, theres version A, which exists in my notebook, version B, which is drifting in the digital void, and version C, which i am working on.


please rate these first drafts - Providence - 2009-09-03

"Dance, Juliet"

I appreciate the marionette-like qualities the speaker attributes towards Juliet. You can clearly understand the situation without being straightforward with it. The last sentence was a little bland for my tastes, though that's honestly up to opinion. The phrase "...somber melancholy bliss..." is a tad redundant, as well. Perhaps "somber" could be removed? This may have been my favorite.

"Whistling Death"

"Nary but alone" is read awkwardly. The rest is very well-written.

"Put On a Mask"

This one seemed a tad drawn-out. The message is clear and your wording is great but it repeats itself a bit too much for my liking.

"Standing Against the Wing"

'He has escaped this madness, forlorn remembrance streaks his hollows
Given up wife and child, given up fame and glory
Now forever watching his home burn to the ground.'

I loved this stanza. Smile


please rate these first drafts - TøbiasBlack - 2009-09-09

i had wanted to move some from my notebook to the internet, but ill save that for a later date. instead, lets take some from the few places i stored previous ones. oh, and, providence, thank you for the input. the 2nd make of Mask is finished, rather lengthy, but im hanging onto that one, as well as another called Glass Angel.

instead, have these:

~Better Off Without
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~Forgotten Will
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i had lost the original title to this, so ill just opt to name it:
~Nameless
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~Dig Out
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~K
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~Claim the Heresy (...dont really like this one too much... =/)
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~In Empty Shine
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~Somber Night (this one... well, it was written with tears slashing down my cheeks. im opting to also upload this one to dA, simply because its cheesily romantic/depressingly terrible.)
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and thats all for now.


please rate these first drafts - MasPan - 2009-09-09

Whatever happened to your basilmarket story?


please rate these first drafts - TøbiasBlack - 2009-09-09

MasPan Wrote:Whatever happened to your basilmarket story?

got up to chapter 5, then lost internet for 3/5 months (forget now how long it was... my memory sucks (yes it does. he cant even remember his name some days.)), then during that time i had just lost interest in it. plus, by now a good deal of people i had given roles for had long since been removed from the collective memories of the mass audience from basil. only a small few that still lingered and bothered to read would've been able to recognize some of the names. and at that, some i had wanted to use were even more obscure in that i doubt anyone wouldve known it was them. ever hear of the guy under the userID "Electrophant?"
exactly.


please rate these first drafts - MasPan - 2009-09-09

TobiasBlack Wrote:got up to chapter 5, then lost internet for 3/5 months (forget now how long it was... my memory sucks (yes it does. he cant even remember his name some days.)), then during that time i had just lost interest in it. plus, by now a good deal of people i had given roles for had long since been removed from the collective memories of the mass audience from basil. only a small few that still lingered and bothered to read would've been able to recognize some of the names. and at that, some i had wanted to use were even more obscure in that i doubt anyone wouldve known it was them. ever hear of the guy under the userID "Electrophant?"
exactly.


Might I propose a Southperry story?


please rate these first drafts - TøbiasBlack - 2009-09-09

MasPan Wrote:Might I propose a Southperry story?

hmm...
something like felix's running "pick your fate" story thing, or one with the users names used?
i could do it, in my free time. school and all, and i want to actually do good this year.
just need some names, and ill ponder upon it. wont guarantee the story will make sense, but at least the names will be better. that was the biggest hurdle with basil, THE USER NAMES, MY GOD! so little active ones had decent names.


please rate these first drafts - TøbiasBlack - 2009-10-12

yes, double post, but this time theres only going to be one installment. im going to be submitting this for my college, which is having this writing fair thing, and i want SP to see it; this is the remake of the first poem by this name, and it has a very important meaning to me.

 Glass Angel

any critiques are greatly appreciated


please rate these first drafts - Providence - 2009-10-12

Glass Angel Wrote:The sun, dipping low in the sky, now shines a beautiful vermilion hue onto the clouds and the trees, the light reflecting off of the surface of the lake. Crickets chirp and birds sing, dragonflies skirt about the surface of the tepid water. The color of the leaves are fantastic hues of yellow and red, orange and brown. No more beautiful a sight could be beheld, and I was sharing it with the one I loved.
The tense is inconsistent throughout the story.

Quote:Further up now, near an old wooden bench, I could see the lampposts flickering into life, casting out a pale amber glow.
...
...sending an amber light shining through the beautiful statue.
Dunno if this is intentional, but amber is used twice to describe forms of light.

On the other hand...
Quote:...there stood an angel made of crystal. Its hands gently folded together in front of its chest, clutching a book tightly in its grasp. Its wings were folded down, and a light robe adorning the figure.
I appreciate the fact that the angel is left genderless. It's a good story, besides. The description definitely makes the story.


please rate these first drafts - TøbiasBlack - 2009-11-27

~When no roads lead to home
 Spoiler



~Heroes and Heroin (this is uncomplete, and instead of trying to fix it up while posting it here, ill be posting whats written in my notebook. same for the next few)
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please rate these first drafts - TøbiasBlack - 2010-03-25

NOT NECRO POST SINCE IT CONTRIBUTES TO THE THREAD, I READ THE RULES!

 Tender Kiss



please rate these first drafts - TøbiasBlack - 2010-05-13

 ~Use Me

...don't ask, i don't really care to explain too much about it. if you liked it, say so. if not, say why.
been too long.


please rate these first drafts - TøbiasBlack - 2010-06-06

bump.
 Listen