Asked for it

I think this is the best and most professional reason for perma ban I have ever seen.

It all started when our protagonist, Mark, woke up in a moor. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling overwhelmingly worried, Mark stroked a spoon, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Without warning, he realized that his beloved diary was missing! Immediately he called his acquaintance, Bobbito. Mark had known Bobbito for (plus or minus) ten years, the majority of which were striking ones. Bobbito was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... insensitive. Mark called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Bobbito picked up to a very unhappy Mark. Bobbito calmly assured him that most puppies panic before mating, yet koalas usually surreptitiously cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Mark. Why was Bobbito trying to distract Mark? Because he had snuck out from Mark's with the diary only ten days prior. It was a exotic little diary... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Mark got back to the subject at hand: his diary. Bobbito yawned. Relunctantly, Bobbito invited him over, assuring him they'd find the diary. Mark grabbed his grandfather clock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Bobbito realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the diary and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Mark took the truck, he had take at least five minutes before Mark would get there. But if he took the Mercedes? Then Bobbito would be alarmingly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Bobbito was interrupted by three dimwitted cats that were lured by his diary. Bobbito shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling relieved, he recklessly reached for his oven mitt and aimlessly grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the desert, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Mercedes rolling up. It was Mark.

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of forks, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, Mark was out of the Mercedes and went scandalously jaunting toward Bobbito's front door. Meanwhile inside, Bobbito was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the diary into a box of butterknifes and then slid the box behind his microwave. Bobbito was angered but at least the diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Bobbito scandalously purred. With a calculated push, Mark opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying genius in a Geo Metro,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Bobbito assured him. Mark took a seat nowhere near where Bobbito had hidden the diary. Bobbito turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Mark was distracted. Rather abruptly, Bobbito noticed a clueless look on Mark's face. Mark slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Bobbito felt a stabbing pain in his face when Mark asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the diary right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Mark's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's salt shakers from when she used to have pet hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Mark nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Bobbito could react, Mark fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The diary was plainly in view.

Mark stared at Bobbito for what what must've been ten seconds. A few minutes later, Bobbito groped indiscriminately in Mark's direction, clearly desperate. Mark grabbed the diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. Bobbito let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Mark,' he rebuked. Bobbito always had been a little abrasive, so Mark knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Bobbito did something crazy, like... start chucking oven mitts at him or something. Almost immediately, he gripped his diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Bobbito looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Mark. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Mark. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Bobbito walked over to the window and looked down. Mark was gone.

Just yonder, Mark was struggling to make his way through the vineyard behind Bobbito's place. Mark had severely hurt his thigh during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral cats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diary. One by one they latched on to Mark. Already weakened from his injury, Mark yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of cats running off with his diary.

About ten hours later, Mark awoke, his face throbbing. It was dark and Mark did not know where he was. Deep in the broad thicket, Mark was really lost. Suddenly, he remembered that his diary was taken by the cats. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enlarged cat emerged from the swamp. It was the alpha cat. Mark opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the cat sunk its teeth into Mark's chest. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Mark's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than three miles away, Bobbito was entombed by anguish over the loss of the diary. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened stapler. With a inept thrust, he buried it deeply into his abdomen. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Mark... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the diary that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant cats, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.

-looks at opening post-

-looks at the only reply-

Is there a butterfree in here? I am very confused.

looks at reply
nobody walked the dinosaur
no candlejack
the fu-

Amazing happenstance, chap.

SW is funny, because of their mods. Last year, they trolled my "Top 20 pally" topic by deleting posts, locking the topic, and giving me a temp ban.

SW is funny, because of their mods. Last year, they trolled my "Top 20 pally" topic by deleting posts, locking the topic, and giving me a temp ban.

What the hell for? They must hate Paladins.

What the hell for? They must hate Paladins.

Have no idea. They were randomly deleting posts within the topic and when me and a few others started asking for a mod response as to why there were posts being deleted, our own posts got deleted as well and got a "foreclosure" on the topic as well as perma banning 2 people, temp banning me and one other guy, while giving out infractions to the others.
There was a mod post before the pomegranate hit the fan, but it was deleted a few hours before we came on the scene.

 Spoiler

Haha cyndkins(modinthatpic). I have nudes of her that were leaked when she was posting them to her online boyfriend. Funny thing was she was married. She bragged about it after coming back after like a year. Then when she started dating online, she denied it, but..we found her original post with her marriage certificate.

Did I mention we also found her mugshot when she was brought to court for spending her grandmothers pension on NX? LOLLL

goddamn, why did i miiss all the good drama, that this whole thread sounds so awesome >.<