Extraction from my novel - Emerge of M.P.S

WARNING !
The following extraction might contains severe grammar mistakes that can drive you up the wall or even crazy, and wrong theories that you might not like
Pwease don't flame me
[video=youtube;8uNbIsYhSSs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uNbIsYhSSs[/video]


Synopsis :
Jackie , a 16-year-old high school student , who is fond of MapleStory and crime novels, starts dreaming something impossible , while Ninehearts finds out that Maple World and the Earth are both endangered , he needs helpers from the Earth , he finds Jackie 's idea great when Jackie is elaborating his ideas
but then , several gigantic alien ships appear on the sky of the Earth
Who are they ?
Dr.Bing named them The Visitor.... time to reveal the secrets !!

Here goes the appear of Maple Protection Squad
Join Maple Protection Squad at Facebook now ! lol...

Chapter 2 : Dreams take flight... (Part 1)

"So... Mr Ninehearts , how should you convince me ?"
"What do you need for your dream club?" He asked me confidently , like it was pretty possible to fulfill it.
Ninehearts smiled with excitement as I stated out the 1st and the most primary factor to make it.
"Precisely... an agreement or permission from Ministry of Education ?" I believed in myself hardly that he could never make it . Ninehearts stared at me and looked shocked.
"So how ? Mr.Strategist ? Out of ideas? "
"That's the easiest task I had ever done" As Ninehearts gave such reaction to me , my jaw was like dropping.
"Wait for my good news within a week , I'll do it for u~" Ninehearts cloaked himself again and disappeared within a swing.
"Alright ..... A dream... pretty weird one... I had..." I shook my head , rubbed my eyes and had a gasp.
Well , it must be , it must be a dream ! I played too much MapleStory !! Yes It must be !!! I should have a booking at the mental hospital..
After recess , I had my English , Biology , History... dam.. history.. the boring history, then Physics.
At a quarter to two , the bell of freedom rang , I put everything back into my backpack, the sky was partially covered by the dull clouds. Did it hint me that today should be a dull day?
The sky started to rain after I arrived at my home by 2 o' clock. I doubted it should be a short and quiet rain.
I gave a hug to my poodle as it approached me with excitement , hopping around to welcome my return.
I was wrong , completely wrong , the rain became worse , raining cats and dogs , as I was having my lunch.
I took a bath , inside the steamy bathroom , looking at myself inside my mirror , letting the water crashing onto my body, bathroom , a place where I licked my wound , where I temporarily cleansed myself , I would feel more conscious.
Ninehearts , Ninehearts , why you ever bugged me ? Why didn't let me to be the dullest boy on the Earth ? Should I be happy because a weird guy in my "dream" determined my dream? Spending too much thoughts on schoolwork is tiring , I lied onto the bed , the rain became worse, worst rain ever , the wind was blowing hardly, the rain was like rapid-fires from the God , a hurricane , more like a cyclone striking my house.
I turned on my laptop ,picked some songs to listen to.
I love listening slow songs , soothing one works too, something that will touch my heart, something that will make echoes inside my head.. Doesn't rain bring some romance too?
Well , Ninehearts , you are just an illusion , I'll ignore your presence for my own good.
x x x x
Another dawn arrived after the busy 1st day.
:Looking at my handphone , checking for new messages , there's one message from an anonymous person
"Dear Jackie ,
Your pre-requirement is done , receive your happiness during the assembly today. I don't know how to use a handphone so I lent someone 's and ask someone's to type this for me
Regards,
Ninehearts Von Rubistein. "
Alright, this was getting more weird than I thought , how did Ninehearts gain approvals from every ministry of educations around the world?
By today 's assembly , everyone was standing in the hall , but well except school-staffs , of course, the discipline teachers were patrolling, St. John members were there to be ready to lift someone when there's someone fainted during the assembly.
The principal gave his speech on the stage, he is a busy person , he rarely goes for an assembly , a rare chance unless there's something fatal or serious to tell .The Principal announced that the Ministry of Education decided to introduce Maple Protection Squad which was also known as M.P.S , everywhere around the world must have at least 3 M.P.S , and it was highly encouraged to have more M.P.S , and he didn't know why S.M.S.C(My school) had to have a MPS in.
"By the way , the permanent chairman for M.P.S of SMSC has already been decided by the administrator of ministry , and that is Jackie Lai !" The Principal called my name loudly and everyone gave a wonderful applause.
I walked onto the stage and the principal passed me the microphone as he called me to give a short speech , a pretty short one.
"I am glad to be the chairman of this co-curricular activity, I hope that there will be more members joining this society in the bright future , Thank you"
The Principal then whispered me and informed me that I would have to meet Ninehearts after school at the place that we met earlier.What did he want?
Well... Nevermind !
Oh , Ninehearts , you did it , did it greatly , eventhough I didn't know how do you convince those adults.
I would sincerely take this job and serve for the Maple World , since this was my dream, a sweet dream that eventually came true.

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Chapter 3 : Dreams take flight.... (Part 2)
When the bell of freedom rang its 9th time again , everyone threw everything into their bags and ran like a swarm of bees, some were going back through the backdoor , some were going back through the main gate.
Girls were chatting about their shopping schedule later while boys were chatting about Black Ops and Dota.
Why there's nobody going for MapleStory? sigh... I knew... It was a little far-fetched to convince any teenagers from Malaysia to play this "childish" 2D side-scrolling game , but .... sigh..
Never mind ! Now I had partners ! No ! Comrades ! That stayed with me until the end to show the steadiness of our friendships !
I walked through the backdoor , on the pavement grey , Stevenson ran to me and told me that he's joining MPS, I was glad... indeed, he said that Yong Lin Tan (Gmruleme) was the chairman for Penang 's section !
Oh... that boy... we were friends in Youtube , he's a famous youtuber, his videos are mainly comedies. His Maple Kombat Parody was funny at all.
Ninehearts waited me at the grassfield, he began,
"So how are you ? Are you satisfied with my token of appreciation?"
"Yes , I am !" I answered , "I am really happy"
"But well , you know this is just the 1st part of your dream"
"What?"
"Oh Jackie..." He continued, "I had good news and bad news , the bad news is we had to build the headquarters and also subordinates-sites on our own , sadly"
Disappointment got onto my face,
"Well don't be upset, the good news is I had brought the Cygnus Dreamer Version 2.0 , this baby will help us a lot" He then took out a black cube from his rucksack, a Black Cube with a small figure of Divine Bird sleeping on the top and glowing with the Aquamarine sealed in its eyes.
"Firstly , Jackie , draw a blueprint of our base , with efforts of course." I looked at Ninehearts and did nothing.
"What?"He asked , "I ..... don't know how to draw a blueprint... isn't that an engineer 's work?" I said out my statements. "Oh... dear..." Ninehearts put his hand onto his forehead and gave a sigh.
"Just draw ? Why can you always make simple things so complicated...."
Stevenson said he was going for something else , he would be right back , he ran away. I guess I'll have to do it myself. I went to the store and asked the price of a roll of tracing paper and an India Ink, the shopkeeper said there were no such things in her store.
But then , Ninehearts pulled me out of the store and shouted at me, " JACKIE ! I TOLD YOU TO JUST DRAW A BLUEPRINT ! YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE THE OFFICIAL PAPER AND INK TO DRAW ONE , WHY CAN YOU MAKE SIMPLE THINGS SO COMPLICATED ?!"
"Yeah , Monkey's buttock reddish face! hahahahaha~~~~~" It was Ting, she was weird.... really weird indeed. Ninehearts was very very angry, the wrinkles he made on his forehead when he was angry formed a shape of a pair of demon 's eyes. He remained silence.
"Ting , how can you do this , we are here to help !" Stevenson ran into the scene and asked Ting to apologize.
"I won't forgive you !!!!!! I am so gonna ..." A glaring glow appeared at the back , a beautiful girl with blonde long hair , she looked elegant , gorgeous , "Well well well , my loyal strategist , can you forgive this girl 's ignorant action for me?" She began with a smile and spoke softly.
"But , your Majesty... I.." Cygnus patted his head and said, "Well well, Aren't our Ninehearts a rational and handsome Strategist in this world?" Ninehearts had a blush in his cheek and he bowed down , obeyed her command.
"Fellow heroes, I am Cygnus , the Queen , let's make this world a better place, but first, we'll have to design the base, this is very important, Jackie, Stevenson, Ting, may you all get your ideas contributed and build a beautiful base for all of us"
We sat down and started designing, Stevenson and Ting started to give out ideas like air-conditioned room ,training spaces, emergency hostel and....
"Bikini women !!!!!!" Stevenson shouted loudly and had his nose-bleed and horny smile, "hehehehe~~~~"
"Stop it , Stevenson ! This novel is General View (U) , don't make it limited ( SX - 18 ) !" I cried.
"Oppsie..... hahahahaha~" He laughed , Ting laughed , "hahahaha" and I let out my merry laugh too.

Cygnus and Ninehearts were sitting at the wooden bench and started chit-chatting , I wondered what they were talking ,,
"Ninehearts, why were you so angry? I remembered years ago , I said the same thing to you when I was small" Cygnus said to Ninehearts as she crossed her legs.
"Well , that's different , you are noble , she's not" Ninehearts blushed and had sweats on his head as he saw Cygnus crossing her legs.
"Anyway... what were Jackie,Stevenson and Ting doing reminds me of us , when that time we were building Erev, hah~" Cygnus looked at the warm sun and smiled.
"Yeah , in such good days...." Ninehearts felt relieved.

You guys can suggest me some improvements
More can be found at my blog
YEAH
I KNOW
MY ENGLISH
IS TERRIBLE !!
*emos under the bed*

Well now lets see, you might want to try making more use of the "fantasy" link to Maple. And I would say add more violence but it depends on what kind of story you are going for..

You've got the motivation, you just have to refine your technique.

- Spell check. It won't do to publish a story with improper writing conventions.
- Plot out your story beforehand. Writing a story completely off the top of your head might be fun and good practice, but your product will be unorganized.
- Character development. A story without character development is a story without characters. It ends up being empty and predictable.
- Don't publish chapters unless you're 100% sure about them. This ties in with plotting your story ahead of time; quality over quantity. I'm in the process of writing a story myself, and in the past two or three weeks I've only written the prologue. The rest of my time has gone to thinking about what I'm going to write and reviewing what I've already written.
- Analyze what your motivation is. If you're writing just for the sake of writing, you should be writing shorts, not novels. Even then, all writing should genuinely capture some feeling of whatever in it.
- Be open to criticism. We don't tell you your story is bad just to give you a hard time. You always have room to improve.

I've been in your place before, so I can sympathize. Best of luck to you.