Dealing with smoking

No, I'm not talking about with ourselves or random people. I'm talking about family, boyfriend/husband, girlfriend/wife and friends.

To me, I don't mind much when my mother smokes, but it absolutely KILLS me to see my friends, or anyone else I'm familiar with, smoking. I honestly don't know what it is. Maybe it's because I have a bond with them and never imagined them as a smoker. Maybe it's because I, myself, am not a smoker and I simply don't want to be around it. Maybe it's because I care for them. Maybe there is no reason.

I really don't know how to deal with it. For example: You have a boy/girl you like a lot. You've been dating for a few months now and then you find out that they smoke, not a lot and not often (say, an occassional cigarette puff/hit with a friend at a get together once every semester in school). How would you go about this?

Another example: Your mother, who shows no signs of stress, is smoking one day and it's the first time you've saw her smoke, but it's not her first time. She also doesn't smoke often. She says she can do what she wants but it's a habit she wants to stop eventually. You've monitored her and from what you find, she has definitely tried to limit herself. But she's still doing it. How would you go about this?

To me, I have no clue what I'd do. In terms of someone I'm dating, I HATE smoking, but I don't think I could stop them from a habit that doesn't happen to often. And as much as I hate it, I feel it wouldn't be something to break up over, even if I wanted to. With family, I'm also at a loss. It IS their lives, and that's the only thing that they can control. They want to stop, but how hard is it really to stop?

I've never smoked nor do I want to. I have no idea how hard it is to stop smoking. All I know is that I DESPISE smoking with almost all my heart.

What would you do, SP?

Honestly, I'll smoke a cigarette every now and then with friends like once or twice a month so I think it's fine to do it every now and then like you said. It's not okay when you're like one of my friends who smokes like almost a pack a day.

I see what you're saying. I also think smoking that excessively is bad.

Then again, to me, any kind of smoking is bad anyways. Maybe I'm like a right-wing extremist when it comes to smoking :O

If it's family,then I'd be pretty straight forward about it and tell them that i hated it.

But if it's someone like a gf/close friend,idk really:l.
You don't want to put them on the spot or make them feel pressured because it may make the situation worse.

I don't really know how hard it is to quit smoking. I participated in a very addictive 'habit' for over a year and had no problems at all 'quitting'. My girl smokes a cigarette like once every month or two, but I hate smoking. However, since it's on such a small scale, I really don't mind. She knows I won't kiss her if she's had a smoke and she only does it when she's around my sister, but not all the time. I just don't make anything of it. She knows how I feel so she doesn't smoke unless something unusual or super duper stressful happens (rarely does she smoke from the latter, but sometimes), and then she keeps it away from me, so it's basically a non-issue. I'd bring it up, let the person know how you feel, and go from there. If the girl is only smoking occasionally with a friend and not like a habitual smoker, i'm sure she'll be very understanding if you talk to her about it in a casual and non-confrontational way.

My sister smokes around a pack a day. I hate it. But she's in a sort of denial. She hides it from our parents and her fiancee, refuses to acknowledge it as a problem, and the whole situation has gotten completely out of hand. In that issue, I'm not going to rat her out to her fiancee, because that's her life and her issue. But occasionally i'll remind her, like once every 6 months or so, and drop it. It'll catch her.

As for your mom, maybe just an open discussion with her about your feelings on this issue would suffice. It'd let you get out how you feel, and it'd let her know how you feel. Parents can be very very receptive to what their children say, and it might just make all the difference. Good luck though. Addiction varies by the person and substance.

That's really TOO little to stress so much over it.

All of my friends are too smart and grossed out by the concept of smelling bad to smoke. I have great friends. Unable to empathize with this situation.

My mom is the same way. I've caught her smoking like 2 or 3 times ever. I don't see it as a big deal because she obviously isn't hurting herself as much as say my dad before he quit (2 packs a day).

If someone smokes once a month or even once a week, I don't feel any need to lecture them on how unhealthy it is. Not like it's any worse than drinking coffee, or eating sugary / greasy / salty junk, or failing to wear sunscreen.
They would quickly learn they can't do it near me, or in a room I spend time in. Nor can they expect me to hug or kiss them before they've washed the stink out.

You said you wouldn't let smoking determine whether or not you stayed with someone (OP), but I'm not sure I could really be with someone who is adamant on smoking cigarettes. They're addictive, smelly, and gross. They turn your teeth yellow and make your breathe smell rank. The irradiated fertilizer used has a high chance of giving you cancer if you're a regular smoker. I just don't think it's something I could ever see myself wanting to deal with at a later stage in life, namely if I planned to have kids with said woman (or man, in other's cases). Right now I'd date a smoker, probably, as long as I was able to establish my own ground rules.

If it's weed they're smoking, I really could care less how much they want to smoke, where, or when as long as they're sensible enough to get things done and have their priorities in order first. That's all I ask. I can't say don't smoke weed because, well, I do. To be honest, I'd only date someone who smokes weed at this point. Obviously I wouldn't date someone who is against it because it's part of my lifestyle and I don't feel like giving it up for someone. Not right now at least. I also wouldn't date someone who is just "okay" with it because eventually that becomes, "Well, I was, but now it makes me uncomfortable..." kind of thing.

As far as dealing with close ones who smoke...well, my mom has smoked cigarettes since she was my age (19) and I'm sure younger, probably 16 or 17. She used to smoke a pack a day and so did my dad. Then when they got divorced, so did my step-dad. Then when they got divorced, my next step-dad (the current one) smoked, too, but not nearly as much. They might smoke a few a day now, but definitely not a pack. I used to be really worried about her because statistically speaking she'd be ripe for smoking-related health problems right around now given all that smoking she did for so long but it didn't turn out how I thought. After she met my new step-dad and mellowed out with the smoking everything seemingly has been fine, fortunately.

But know this: My mom has 3 kids. 21, 19, and 12. For as long as we all can remember, we've more or less been asking her to stop smoking our entire lives. I think the longest she's ever quit for was a few months max. Even after my old step-dad quit and made his life a little better, she still keep doing it, amazingly. At a certain point, it's just like, "Well, there's really nothing more I can do," and if she wants to create problems for herself then I'm going to let her. Threatening her won't work, obviously. Taking her cigarettes would just piss her off and get me in trouble. Begging hasn't worked for over 10 years. So yeah. It's hard to quit. I believe it. Very hard. And unless put in between a rock and a REALLY hard place, I doubt that it's going to change for a lot of people.

As long as they don't do it that often, I'm totally fine with it. Once, twice a month or something. If their my girlfriend, I'd be fine as long as they don't smell like it all the time. Smoking is bad, yeah, but as long as you don't do it excessively or often, I don't really see a reason to have a problem with it.

To be honest, I'd only date someone who smokes weed at this point. Obviously I wouldn't date someone who is against it because it's part of my lifestyle and I don't feel like giving it up for someone. Not right now at least. I also wouldn't date someone who is just "okay" with it because eventually that becomes, "Well, I was, but now it makes me uncomfortable..." kind of thing.

This I am slightly confused about though. I mean, I'm fine with kids smoking weed. I've never done it, but as long as you take care of priorities and make sure you don't like, sell your couch to buy weed or something, there's really nothing wrong. But I am confused about what you mean about the people changing. Nobody I know who's okay with smoking weed has ever started becoming crazy about people not doing it. I could only expect that to come when you're like, 26-27 or something, when you actually start to settle down with someone.

That's really TOO little to stress so much over it.

I think this is what's going through my head as well.

I mean, I have a friend who smokes and I wish he didn't. It's not much, but it's somewhat often. 1 puff per day I think. Literally puff and put it out. It's not really all that bad considering he used to smoke a full one every other day or week or whatever.

Also, I may have said I wouldn't let it determine how I go about dating someone, but in a way, I can't help it. If they smoke, it's really hard for me to accept it. If I already established a relationship and THEN found out about the smoking, then it's not like I'd be like, "We're breaking up because you smoke", even though that's what I'm thinking. There's much more to a relationship than to end it because of something I cannot stand, I feel.

How can you not know someone you have been dating for over a month has been smoking? Just a hug or being nearby would definatly give it away. The smell is so strong.

However, I myself, i have the same way of thinking. I didn't mind my aunt or my gran smoking. cause i know they started back when it was "cool" and the dangers wasn't as open. But close friends smoking will always bother me, It isn't cool. Yeah it calms you down but there's other ways someone could calm down.. to me smoking is worse cause people get more stressed if they cant smoke. Other than that i can't stand the smell..

How can you not know someone you have been dating for over a month has been smoking? Just a hug or being nearby would definatly give it away. The smell is so strong.

Same thing I was thinking. It's not easy to tell when someone's a smoker if they don't do it often or smoke a lot at once. That, and they probably wouldn't even smell like smoke if it's such a little amount. That's what I think, anyways.

As for me, I don't like smoking just like you, no one in my family smokes (all of the 20+ on the family, not just my parents and sis) and pretty much all my closer friends don't either. I could never date a smoker, kissing one would be totally gross.

As for casual smoking, I'm against it. It's something they could live without and just serves to put them apart from other people when they do smoke (specially in Brazil where most people my age don't smoke).

As for family members smoking and helping them quit, I have a an awesome story of my best friend:
His mother used to smoke regularly (not sure exactly how much, but at least a pack a day), so after a long time of asking/begging her to stop smoking he decided to take a more aggressive strategy: he told her he wouldn't talk to her for as long as she smoked and he REALLY did.
After a few months where she would drop back and smoke (she couldn't really hide it with her clothes smelling of cigarettes) where he would go back to ignoring her she finally quit for good. Now she doesn't smoke anymore.

This plan requires that the target person is very close and attached to you, it also needs full commitment in not talking AT ALL with the person.

When my cousin was born, my Aunt told my Grandma that she would not let her see her grandson until she quit smoking, so she did. A little motivation ca go a long way. On the other hand, my family had an extremely close friend who smoked for years and my sister pleaded with him to stop smoking and he told us he did. He then relasped with it and we found out last winter that doctors had found he had stage 4 lung cancer. He passed away around 4 days later. It's hard to understand why people smoke and it's even harder to get them to stop. Just my two cents.

i used to smoke three cigarettes a day. that was almost impossibly hard to stop doing.

Hi, my mother almost died from a combination of untreated asthma, emphysema, and chronic bronchitis all complicated by smoking, and she wasn't even the smoker.
secondhand smoke almost killed her.

She needed a double lung transplant.
Thank god she got it.

As long as they don't do it that often, I'm totally fine with it. Once, twice a month or something. If their my girlfriend, I'd be fine as long as they don't smell like it all the time. Smoking is bad, yeah, but as long as you don't do it excessively or often, I don't really see a reason to have a problem with it.

This I am slightly confused about though. I mean, I'm fine with kids smoking weed. I've never done it, but as long as you take care of priorities and make sure you don't like, sell your couch to buy weed or something, there's really nothing wrong. But I am confused about what you mean about the people changing. Nobody I know who's okay with smoking weed has ever started becoming crazy about people not doing it. I could only expect that to come when you're like, 26-27 or something, when you actually start to settle down with someone.

No, not like they're flat-out lying. That's not what I meant, but more of a long-term kind-of change. If over a course of time, you continue to get your smoke on, I think a lot of people expect you to either change, stop, or meet their rules on how to do things. My ex was "'okay" with smoking...for awhile. Despite the fact that I never pressured her to smoke (pot, only, anyway) and was more-or-less able to act completely normal stoned, eventually it just...got to her. It just started to bother her, randomly. I almost never smoked around her and was just as infrequently high around her. :|

Maybe it is when we're 26 or 27 and ready to get on with life, but that is a stipulation that they need to make aware at the beginning of the relationship. Who knows if I'll still be toking at that age but why not? Maybe people get a kick out of pot when they're young because they're young and it's illegal but y'know, I like smoking and I like getting high...I'll smoke it 'til I die if I feel like it.

I'd hit the person. Smoking is unacceptable.