2012-01-14, 11:07 AM
...
I didn't want to make a whole blog post about it to draw attention so I'm putting this here so it's not seen by many. While I feel uncomfortable by basically exposing my life like this, writing about my experiences helps me feel better. I'll make a giant wall of text so no one will care to read it.
[spoiler=you've been warned.]
Went to the academic advisor on Friday to discuss my future course options, because right now my academic standing is in extreme jeopardy and if I don't do well this semester I'll be required to withdraw.
When she looked at my schedule and my grades so far she asked me if I was going through difficulties and I kind of choked up because I started to think about it and felt my face burn up and a lump in my throat form. I basically told her a very vague description of how I've been the past couple years and she recommended that I go see a guidance counsellor, one reason to clear up what's going through my life and another to receive academic consideration for the exam last semester that I skipped out on and didn't even bother to write.
I don't really know how I feel about going to a counsellor. The past two years of my life have been dreadful, ever since I started university. I had a pretty good high school life, with close friends and many acquaintances and no enemies. When I began university and moved into my dorm I thought this is where I would meet my new best friends. It turned out I got stuck with a really awful dorm grouping and I just didn't connect with any of the people I lived around. I hoped I could turn things around by meeting people through lectures but I'm not one to strike up a conversation so those hopes were kind of crushed.
In the end I made a few acquaintances that didn't last and I became very lonely and depressed. I had no motivation to do anything because I was so angry at how my expectations to have an amazing experience had been ruined. I stopped going to my lectures, slept all day, didn't eat properly - not eating at all one day and eating nonstop the next because it made me feel better. All this occurring while also dealing with a confusion about my sexuality caused me to be completely overwhelmed and pretty much broke me. I went to what was required; labs, midterms and exams, none of which I studied to the best of my ability for. I was an honour roll student all through high school and my first semester of university I start off with a 58% average. I told myself I could fix this issue next semester and get back on my feet, but going back to school with no one to communicate with caused me to fall right back into that depressive state. I was even worse in the Winter '11 semester and ended up failing a course.
This past September I began my second year. I was informed over the summer I was on academic probation which meant if I didn't achieve a 60% average in my Fall or Winter semesters I would be required to withdraw. I had high hopes this time around. I was moving into a new place with new people and it was a fresh start to get back on my feet. It turns out that the other 3 people in the townhouse I live in now consist of 2 girls who are sheltered shut-ins and a guy who I find to be irksome and annoying. Obviously not a good start. I tried to change things around, I went to class during the first couple of weeks but the cycle continued and I gave up on trying again. This third time around was a lot worse, as I had extreme difficulty literally getting out of my bed every day to do anything, whether it be eat, bathroom, shower, mandatory lab/test, etc. I really hated myself for this. I didn't talk about it to any of my friends back home because I was so ashamed of how much of a failure I was. My parents have put so much pressure on me to do well in school and to make something of myself because I am the youngest in my family yet the first of my family and close relatives to make it to university. All that pressure and I had become a failure. I dealt with so much self-hate and regret that self-injury and suicide crossed my mind very often yet I didn't and still don't think I could ever go through with either because of fear.
In November, my two best friends from my hometown came to visit me and for the first time in a while I was legitimately happy for once. We went out, had fun and got drunk and came back to my place to crash. I began to think about how this fun is only temporary and soon I'm going to be back in my self hell. My friend noticed I had something on my mind and brought me downstairs to talk in private away from my other friend (she was really drunk and was just watching stuff on her laptop, completely oblivious to everything). My friend and I started talking and I basically had a breakdown and told him everything that was going on, about school, my parents, my health, and after a lot of hesitation, about how I thought I may be bisexual. He basically did what best friends do and reassured me everything would be all right and he'll do what he can to help me get through everything. It was strange but after telling him everything it felt like a burden was lifted.
After that weekend I had to prepare studying for exams but it was way too difficult to study for 5 exams while I was behind 4 months worth of notes in each of those courses. I felt overwhelmed and eventually just basically gave up for the remainder of the semester because I felt like there was nothing I could do. I ended up not even attending my final exam because I knew there was no hope of me passing that course. I received my grades early this month and as expected they were horrendous, only passing 2 out of 5 of my courses. My parents don't know about them, as I lied and made some mediocre grades up. I know that's a bad idea but I don't think I could handle their reaction to knowing about the truth.
Finally, here I am, in my last chance to stay in school or be withdrawn. While I did give up last semester, my friend's encouragement back in November did help and I feel ready to turn my life around. I have made a lot of mistakes I have to make up for but I'm willing to bear with it if I can get my life back on track again.
I think it could possibly help to talk to a professional about all of this, but at the same time I feel like I'm pleading a case for insanity because it feels like to get academic consideration for the exam I didn't write I have to convince her I have a mental illness, most likely depression which I think I do have but I'm fighting it either way. Being a naturally optimistic person gives me hope that I can get through this even though I am basically riding this out alone because I don't have friends here aside from one friend I see on occasion that I went to high school with.
I know I can get through this. My schedule works in my favour so I'll have an easier time adjusting to attending classes again. I'm just apprehensive about speaking to a guidance counsellor because I feel uncomfortable telling a stranger all my personal issues...that, and I'll probably get emotional looking back on it again and I really hate crying in front of anyone.
Also for those of you who I speak to often, if you see this, I know this entire story seems really out of my character because I'm usually so upbeat. It's just easy to fake a smile and pretend everything is okay, especially when you've been doing it for the past year and a half of your life.
Anyway, ran out of things to say. Hopefully I can break the cycle.
[spoiler=you've been warned.]
Went to the academic advisor on Friday to discuss my future course options, because right now my academic standing is in extreme jeopardy and if I don't do well this semester I'll be required to withdraw.
When she looked at my schedule and my grades so far she asked me if I was going through difficulties and I kind of choked up because I started to think about it and felt my face burn up and a lump in my throat form. I basically told her a very vague description of how I've been the past couple years and she recommended that I go see a guidance counsellor, one reason to clear up what's going through my life and another to receive academic consideration for the exam last semester that I skipped out on and didn't even bother to write.
I don't really know how I feel about going to a counsellor. The past two years of my life have been dreadful, ever since I started university. I had a pretty good high school life, with close friends and many acquaintances and no enemies. When I began university and moved into my dorm I thought this is where I would meet my new best friends. It turned out I got stuck with a really awful dorm grouping and I just didn't connect with any of the people I lived around. I hoped I could turn things around by meeting people through lectures but I'm not one to strike up a conversation so those hopes were kind of crushed.
In the end I made a few acquaintances that didn't last and I became very lonely and depressed. I had no motivation to do anything because I was so angry at how my expectations to have an amazing experience had been ruined. I stopped going to my lectures, slept all day, didn't eat properly - not eating at all one day and eating nonstop the next because it made me feel better. All this occurring while also dealing with a confusion about my sexuality caused me to be completely overwhelmed and pretty much broke me. I went to what was required; labs, midterms and exams, none of which I studied to the best of my ability for. I was an honour roll student all through high school and my first semester of university I start off with a 58% average. I told myself I could fix this issue next semester and get back on my feet, but going back to school with no one to communicate with caused me to fall right back into that depressive state. I was even worse in the Winter '11 semester and ended up failing a course.
This past September I began my second year. I was informed over the summer I was on academic probation which meant if I didn't achieve a 60% average in my Fall or Winter semesters I would be required to withdraw. I had high hopes this time around. I was moving into a new place with new people and it was a fresh start to get back on my feet. It turns out that the other 3 people in the townhouse I live in now consist of 2 girls who are sheltered shut-ins and a guy who I find to be irksome and annoying. Obviously not a good start. I tried to change things around, I went to class during the first couple of weeks but the cycle continued and I gave up on trying again. This third time around was a lot worse, as I had extreme difficulty literally getting out of my bed every day to do anything, whether it be eat, bathroom, shower, mandatory lab/test, etc. I really hated myself for this. I didn't talk about it to any of my friends back home because I was so ashamed of how much of a failure I was. My parents have put so much pressure on me to do well in school and to make something of myself because I am the youngest in my family yet the first of my family and close relatives to make it to university. All that pressure and I had become a failure. I dealt with so much self-hate and regret that self-injury and suicide crossed my mind very often yet I didn't and still don't think I could ever go through with either because of fear.
In November, my two best friends from my hometown came to visit me and for the first time in a while I was legitimately happy for once. We went out, had fun and got drunk and came back to my place to crash. I began to think about how this fun is only temporary and soon I'm going to be back in my self hell. My friend noticed I had something on my mind and brought me downstairs to talk in private away from my other friend (she was really drunk and was just watching stuff on her laptop, completely oblivious to everything). My friend and I started talking and I basically had a breakdown and told him everything that was going on, about school, my parents, my health, and after a lot of hesitation, about how I thought I may be bisexual. He basically did what best friends do and reassured me everything would be all right and he'll do what he can to help me get through everything. It was strange but after telling him everything it felt like a burden was lifted.
After that weekend I had to prepare studying for exams but it was way too difficult to study for 5 exams while I was behind 4 months worth of notes in each of those courses. I felt overwhelmed and eventually just basically gave up for the remainder of the semester because I felt like there was nothing I could do. I ended up not even attending my final exam because I knew there was no hope of me passing that course. I received my grades early this month and as expected they were horrendous, only passing 2 out of 5 of my courses. My parents don't know about them, as I lied and made some mediocre grades up. I know that's a bad idea but I don't think I could handle their reaction to knowing about the truth.
Finally, here I am, in my last chance to stay in school or be withdrawn. While I did give up last semester, my friend's encouragement back in November did help and I feel ready to turn my life around. I have made a lot of mistakes I have to make up for but I'm willing to bear with it if I can get my life back on track again.
I think it could possibly help to talk to a professional about all of this, but at the same time I feel like I'm pleading a case for insanity because it feels like to get academic consideration for the exam I didn't write I have to convince her I have a mental illness, most likely depression which I think I do have but I'm fighting it either way. Being a naturally optimistic person gives me hope that I can get through this even though I am basically riding this out alone because I don't have friends here aside from one friend I see on occasion that I went to high school with.
I know I can get through this. My schedule works in my favour so I'll have an easier time adjusting to attending classes again. I'm just apprehensive about speaking to a guidance counsellor because I feel uncomfortable telling a stranger all my personal issues...that, and I'll probably get emotional looking back on it again and I really hate crying in front of anyone.
Also for those of you who I speak to often, if you see this, I know this entire story seems really out of my character because I'm usually so upbeat. It's just easy to fake a smile and pretend everything is okay, especially when you've been doing it for the past year and a half of your life.
Anyway, ran out of things to say. Hopefully I can break the cycle.
I'm going to get some more sleep now.[/spoiler]