The Painter Of Dreams

i think i can see where you're going with your wording, but your metaphors and imagery, since they seem to be your most prominent tools, don't really paint a consistent picture. i mean it's fine for poems to be all over the place, but they're usually characterized as being so, as in it's an inherent and implicit quailty of the writing. this poem on the other hand tries to flow, but since your imagery is vague and kind of spastic it's hard to piece it together.

also, you don't necessarily need commas to indicate rhythm. this is a good start for a beginner, though.