2010-10-30, 10:51 AM
Your paragraphs are too short as well as the body. It appears your transition sentences are nonexistent.
I can't find a conclusion. The last two lines seem more worthy of an intro than for a conclusion. Lastly, you have many sentence fragments.
DO AGAIN
I can't find a conclusion. The last two lines seem more worthy of an intro than for a conclusion. Lastly, you have many sentence fragments.
DO AGAIN