Trollface Science

How doesn't the first one work?

Many issues here:

The plane's vertical acceleration is higher than yours, thus you'd never be able to jump off that thing unless you hold onto it. But if you hold onto it, your speed will increase.
When the mass to the object you jump from is so small (compared to the earth's), the 3rd law of Newton comes into effect.
As earlier said, the reference system is critical here.

For the light thingy:
Quantum Physics fucks it all up.
No possibility for parallel mirrors.
No element has an albedo on 1.