2010-04-07, 04:23 AM
I hate writing little more than "I really liked it!" but... I did. I think part of the reason is that I have this animation storyboarded in my head about a girl who jumps off a building...
This line feels awkward to me. That's pretty much my whole criticism. One awkward line. I think it's the word "around" that I don't like, it feels redundant (yeah so does a lot of the description, maybe intentionally so, but the word "around" really feels unnecessary in that sentence.) I know I already chatted a bit with you about this piece but I just re-read it and wanted to give that tiny little bit of feedback.
Ben Wrote:Emotion showered down on her, looming and lingering around like a low coastal rain.
This line feels awkward to me. That's pretty much my whole criticism. One awkward line. I think it's the word "around" that I don't like, it feels redundant (yeah so does a lot of the description, maybe intentionally so, but the word "around" really feels unnecessary in that sentence.) I know I already chatted a bit with you about this piece but I just re-read it and wanted to give that tiny little bit of feedback.