bored4ever86 Wrote:thats a rather bleak outlook on your own existance....
I too feel my existence in itself is worthless. In fact, I believe the lives of everyone around me would have changed for the better if I had never been conceived. I am a mistake after all, and although everyone gives off an outer appearance of not minding that I've grown to be a failure, I know deep down inside they realize I'm more trouble than I'm worth at times. I feel I take advantage of everyone's kindness, who keep me in this world without asking much of me. But I'm too much of a selfish, spoiled, and overall negative person that I don't stop myself from doing so. Part of me enjoys it too much. Having people so accepting of how vile and disgusting of a person I've become. How absolutely detestable I am in the eyes of most of society.
I've left nothing but a repulsive stain on this world, and I've no desire of redeeming myself and wiping that stain off. If I were to never exist, I can say for certain that everyone would be better off. Such a worthless person as myself has done nothing more than cripple the lives of everyone close to me. Being the twisted being I am, I no longer care much about that, and proceed to weigh them down more.
Could I redeem myself and take the load off others if I simply worked hard enough to do so? Yes.
But the question is; do I find it worth while to go out of my way to do such a thing, when it would benefit only those who have supported me? No.
That in itself is a very cruel and abominate truth, one that is rooted down into the very core of my being. I know very well of the burden I've become, and I know very well how to stop myself from being such. However, I do not wish to do so. I've grown accustomed to my life. You could say I've acquired some sickening, perverse fetish over bringing down those who care the most about me. I know it's oh so very wrong, but I find immense pleasure in it.
Me vanishing from existence would simply be better for everyone. A simple death would not do any good. A death cannot turn back time. As such, it cannot remove the stains I've left behind just from existing. While I am a hindrance to others, my death would indeed cause grief. I sometimes feel they don't understand just how much I've taken advantage of them. Or perhaps, they feel my existence in itself is some sort of punishment for their past endeavors, so accept it willingly.
If they were to never get attached to me at all...if they were to never have been sucked into the trap that is "me", their lives would have been better off.