2009-10-02, 02:41 PM
[x] "Can I have some of that food first?"
If I may be honest and give you some feedback...
I know that you said before that you don't really preplan or edit this as you write, because you want it to be spontaneous. That's fine, but I'm finding that some parts are very distracting, and take away from your story.
There are four "and's" and ten commas holding that sentence together. It felt awkward reading it through, and it feels like it should be split up into two or more sentences.
If I may be honest and give you some feedback...
I know that you said before that you don't really preplan or edit this as you write, because you want it to be spontaneous. That's fine, but I'm finding that some parts are very distracting, and take away from your story.
TobiasBlack Wrote:The shrieking sound coming from the knife started to fade, and instead turned into a low, droll, annoying buzzing sound, and the black ooze started to melt away, and I could, in my last moments of sight, see the blade of the knife, still blackened, with the medallion pierced by the tip of the blade, and the black ooze seeping into the cracks of the medallion.
There are four "and's" and ten commas holding that sentence together. It felt awkward reading it through, and it feels like it should be split up into two or more sentences.