2009-06-13, 08:50 PM
Hi there. =]
I have to say I do find this fiction very intriguing. Compared to the last 'create your own destiny' book, which was horrifyingly boring, and put me off these destiny books of a while, I feel this may just just won me back. I've read all entries now, and I can say it was fun to read, however I will point out a few things:
- Some places in your dialogue need very much a good edit. The problem is you having two people talking on the same line - which is incorrect and confuses readers a lot. New speaker, new line.
This is what I've seen so far (example):
"Life is so hard," Felix says, feeling upset. "I know," replies Melanie.
It should be like this:
"Life is so hard," Felix says, feeling upset.
"I know," replies Melanie.
- Secondly, I see you are using present tense - which is often a rare thing in published novels. Usually past tense is used, I don't know if you want to alter it but I would recommend it. Your present tense isn't 'bad' but there are times when words would fit in a lot better in past tense.
- Length - at the start each entry had a fixed length, not too lengthy, not too short. But now, towards the end I see the entries becoming quite long - I know it may be hard since sometimes you just need to include those few details, but try to maintain a reasonable and similar length for each entry.
- Small detail I realised - I realised you sometimes added 'It's 2 PM' or '12 PM' or something alike. I think it would be a lot better to fit it in with the story instead of just including it at the end. Example: Felix looks down at his watch and realises it's 2 PM, while a tear forms of how time can cause so much pain.
Keep it up! Looking forward to next entry.
Oh and: [X] Wait until dark and snoop around the Legard's/Stan's
Why not?
I have to say I do find this fiction very intriguing. Compared to the last 'create your own destiny' book, which was horrifyingly boring, and put me off these destiny books of a while, I feel this may just just won me back. I've read all entries now, and I can say it was fun to read, however I will point out a few things:
- Some places in your dialogue need very much a good edit. The problem is you having two people talking on the same line - which is incorrect and confuses readers a lot. New speaker, new line.
This is what I've seen so far (example):
"Life is so hard," Felix says, feeling upset. "I know," replies Melanie.
It should be like this:
"Life is so hard," Felix says, feeling upset.
"I know," replies Melanie.
- Secondly, I see you are using present tense - which is often a rare thing in published novels. Usually past tense is used, I don't know if you want to alter it but I would recommend it. Your present tense isn't 'bad' but there are times when words would fit in a lot better in past tense.
- Length - at the start each entry had a fixed length, not too lengthy, not too short. But now, towards the end I see the entries becoming quite long - I know it may be hard since sometimes you just need to include those few details, but try to maintain a reasonable and similar length for each entry.
- Small detail I realised - I realised you sometimes added 'It's 2 PM' or '12 PM' or something alike. I think it would be a lot better to fit it in with the story instead of just including it at the end. Example: Felix looks down at his watch and realises it's 2 PM, while a tear forms of how time can cause so much pain.
Keep it up! Looking forward to next entry.
Oh and: [X] Wait until dark and snoop around the Legard's/Stan's
Why not?