2009-03-27, 01:33 PM
I haven't read the actual story, but I'm sure this'll be a good introduction (or wherever it's going). There were good deal of run-on sentences (overuses of "and") and a complete lack of punctuation in respect to dialogue. Perhaps you could add more description, as well, though it being a narrative, it's not extremely necessary. It did come off as a bit boring because of this.
However, I don't know if you're trying to replicate the author's writing style; if so, it'd be impossible for me to critique it without knowledge of their style. I'm also aware that this is a rough draft; I'll bet when you reach the final, it'll be great.
However, I don't know if you're trying to replicate the author's writing style; if so, it'd be impossible for me to critique it without knowledge of their style. I'm also aware that this is a rough draft; I'll bet when you reach the final, it'll be great.