2009-02-23, 11:44 PM
Sneaky sneaky.
I really enjoy your style of writing. It's very clean and to the point, and doesn't get caught up in long-winded, pointless description. Also, I have only read the first Harry Potter book (and I don't remember much of it) so I'm not sure if this story is supposed to take place in the Harry Potter universe or if it's just Harry Potter inspired. Either way, it didn't really matter to me since you did a great job of creating a believable world for your story. The introduction to the notion of the "Touched" was great, and tying it into past historical events only made it seem that much more realistic.
I really don't have much to criticize in your piece, since I'm actually really jealous of your storytelling ability. There are a few nitpicks, though. First, there were a few instances where it felt like a comma was missing, but I'm not sure if that's just your writing style or not:
Also, this sentence felt awkward to me:
Overall, I think you're a really talented storyteller. The little bits of humor were great, and I really like that their powers aren't the typical fantasy/sci-fi fare (pyrokinesis, x-ray vision, hadouken fireballs, etc.) Again, I'm not too familiar with the world of Harry Potter, so I might not have gotten any references that were there, but I'm very much looking forward to reading the next chapter! (You will post the next chapter, right?
)
Thanks for the great read!
I really enjoy your style of writing. It's very clean and to the point, and doesn't get caught up in long-winded, pointless description. Also, I have only read the first Harry Potter book (and I don't remember much of it) so I'm not sure if this story is supposed to take place in the Harry Potter universe or if it's just Harry Potter inspired. Either way, it didn't really matter to me since you did a great job of creating a believable world for your story. The introduction to the notion of the "Touched" was great, and tying it into past historical events only made it seem that much more realistic.
I really don't have much to criticize in your piece, since I'm actually really jealous of your storytelling ability. There are a few nitpicks, though. First, there were a few instances where it felt like a comma was missing, but I'm not sure if that's just your writing style or not:
Quote:"I can't believe I'm so excited about going to school," I muttered to myself with a faint shake of my head. "Of course, this isn't any normal school..."
They were called witches or demons and were beheaded, burned at the stake, or worse.
The Touched not only went into hiding, but actively worked to convince mankind that we didn't even exist.
Fortunately, powerful magic helped a lot.
Also, this sentence felt awkward to me:
Quote:Most of those who were slaughtered this way were innocent normals, those without magic, though a great many Touched were killed as well.I know exactly what this sentence is supposed to be saying, but it seems... like a run-on? I don't know.
Quote:Then I opened my eyes and gasped, "Holy pomegranate..."I know this one isn't your fault, but when I read it I seriously burst out laughing.
Overall, I think you're a really talented storyteller. The little bits of humor were great, and I really like that their powers aren't the typical fantasy/sci-fi fare (pyrokinesis, x-ray vision, hadouken fireballs, etc.) Again, I'm not too familiar with the world of Harry Potter, so I might not have gotten any references that were there, but I'm very much looking forward to reading the next chapter! (You will post the next chapter, right?
)Thanks for the great read!