How was your day?

Picked the boy up from his coffee shop job and took the bus out to the beach. Took a trip down memory lane and shared tales of my nerdular nerdence days in high school. Threw myself into the freezing cold Pacific Ocean like a madwoman. Made sure to wear my super cheeky yoga bottoms that show off my best asset. Playing in the icy cold waves was incredibly liberating, and fun, and terrifying. The undertow was every bit as strong as I remember it. He followed me into the water despite his fear of the ocean. I'm trying not to read too much into that.

After I got out of the water, I shivered and shook for about an hour - I'm pretty sure I gave myself a mild case of hypothermia. We went back to his job for hot chocolate (for me) and coffee (for him) and I stopped shivering and everything was better. His co-workers tried their best to hide their curiosity. Then lunch at a burger joint and more conversation. He is really good company.

We each went home to wash off the saltwater and sand from the beach, then I went over to his place to watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I can't believe I've never seen it before, I absolutely loved it. And it felt very relevant. His cats were very curious and kept walking up to me and staring during the movie. I gave him this book for Christmas and after the movie, I read it to him on his couch, like a schoolteacher. He'd never read the book and said he'd love to read it to his kids one day. Trying not to read too much into that, either.

I wasn't ready for the day to end so I asked him to walk me home, then it was his turn to get all nostalgic and tell me about his high school years. Even though we met while we were both in high school, we didn't go to the same school and I realized his high school years were very different than I'd always thought they were. We decided we were hungry (again, not wanting the night to end yet) and stopped into a diner to have a very late dinner. And more conversation and flirting.

After dinner he walked me home. I still didn't want him to leave, so I invited him to walk with me while I took the dog to the park. And more conversation. When we got back to my apartment it was probably close to midnight and I realized he'd been up since 3am for work and suddenly felt inconsiderate and selfish and apologized profusely. He said it was worth it.

God I wanted to kiss him so bad. But instead we hugged and then he went home.

When we were at the beach I told him I wasn't ready for any of this to mean anything. That I liked spending time with him and having fun. That I wanted to just have fun for a while. And he's okay with that. He said he understands that I'm going through some shit right now and things are still messy. That he's here for me if I need an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. As a friend. That he's not trying to push me into anything that I'm not ready for. That he's into me but knows I'm not ready for that kind of a relationship yet. That I'm worth the wait.

I said that I just want to have fun but I feel myself falling hard. And it terrifies me. I want more. But my heart is still broken and pieces are still missing. But yesterday was the best day I've had in months and god I just want more.

FEELS, WHY?