wat

 *How I feel about this thread so far*

One day, a man named Jeremy was walking down the street when his life came to an end due to a car breaking every bone in his body. He was then transported to hell.

"Wh-what am I doing here? What is this?"

"Well Jeremy, this is hell!"

"Wow.. can't believe I ended up here."

"Ahhh don't worry Jeremy! You're gonna love it here, so much stuff to do during the week."

"Like what?"

"Well Jeremy... You like alcohol?"

"Of course I love drinking!"

"Well you're gonna love Mondays! Monday is alcohol day, you can drink all you want. Rum, scotch, whiskey, vodka, beer, wine and get alcohol poisoning, cause guess what? You're already in hell!"

"Wow that's awesome.."

"You like smoking Jeremy?"

"Yeah it's fun to do from time to time."

"Oh ok, well you'll like Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoking day! We got all kinds of cigars and cigarettes, and you can smoke all you want and get cancer, cause guess what? You're already in hell!"

"Wow this is pretty cool..."

"Yeah, what about gambling Jeremy? You like that?"

"When I have the money to do it, of course!"

"Ahh man don't sweat about money! Wednesdays are gambling days. You can gamble all you want and go bankrupt and kill yourself, cause guess what? --"

"I'm already in hell!"

"Hey Jeremy! You got the idea of it, ok well you like dicks?"

"Uh... no?"

"S'hit, then you'll hate Thursdays."

Mark and Greg, are vacationing in Las Vegas. Mark always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, Mark buys them, and wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.

He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Greg looks him over, "Nope."

Mark says excitedly, "Come on, Greg, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Greg looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Mark storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"

Greg looks up and says, "Mark, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Mark yells, "And do you know why it's hanging down, Greg? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

[SIZE=2]To which Greg replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Mark. Shoulda bought a hat."[/SIZE]

lol Bacon, just.... haha, good laugh.

I can't beat that. -claps-

tee hee you tickled my funny bone

Bacon, you're more fun than Mark and Greg combined. And you have delicious cooked pig flavor.

Greg is preparing to leave her husband, and casually informs him, "I'm going to be a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."

"I'm coming with you," Mark replies. "I want to see you live on $200 a year."




Edit: He mad.
(3:45:29 PM) Mark: You think you're funny? Huh? Funny guy?

ogod bacon make it stop

*waits for greg's ingenious comeback joke*

Mark and Greg went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, Greg passed away.

The undertaker told Mark, "You can have Greg shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

Mark thought about it and told the undertaker he would just have Greg shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

Mark replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead." Shaking his head, he continued, "I just can't take that chance."


(3:47:22 PM) Mark: "humour" haha
(3:47:23 PM) Mark: papaya
(3:47:36 PM) Bacon: Manda is a papaya eh?
(3:47:48 PM) Bacon: I'm pretty sure she says "humour"
(3:47:52 PM) Mark: I don't play favorites. I make fun of her for doing it too

Bacon, you're more fun than Mark and Greg combined. And you have delicious cooked pig flavor.

"Look at me, I'm taking jokes and just editing the names.

AWWWWWWWWESOME."

Two Southperrians are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says Greg. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my sisters's panties right off."

"I know the feeling," says Mark.

"No, I'm serious," says Greg. "They're killing me."

You're the man now, dawg.

Two Southperrians are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says Mark. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my sisters's panties right off."

"I know the feeling," says Mark.

"No, I'm serious," says Greg. "They're killing me."

Hah. You screwed up the editing. Quoted for all to see.

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that pomegranate again."

Hah. You screwed up the editing. Quoted for all to see.

Miley Cyrus: Everyone makes mistakes! Everybody has those days!

With a sheep under his arm, Mark walks into his bedroom and stands in front of Greg.

"This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache," he says.

Greg looks at him and replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."

Mark answers, "I wasn't talking to you."

Now I laughed.

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that pomegranate again."

I see what happened there.
HAR HAR HAR/notsarcasticlaugh/notsarcastic"/"

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-peach who ran over my FROG!"