Azalea Doc. 1 [PG-13]

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Sneaky sneaky.

I really enjoy your style of writing. It's very clean and to the point, and doesn't get caught up in long-winded, pointless description. Also, I have only read the first Harry Potter book (and I don't remember much of it) so I'm not sure if this story is supposed to take place in the Harry Potter universe or if it's just Harry Potter inspired. Either way, it didn't really matter to me since you did a great job of creating a believable world for your story. The introduction to the notion of the "Touched" was great, and tying it into past historical events only made it seem that much more realistic.

I really don't have much to criticize in your piece, since I'm actually really jealous of your storytelling ability. There are a few nitpicks, though. First, there were a few instances where it felt like a comma was missing, but I'm not sure if that's just your writing style or not:

"I can't believe I'm so excited about going to school," I muttered to myself with a faint shake of my head. "Of course, this isn't any normal school..."

They were called witches or demons and were beheaded, burned at the stake, or worse.

The Touched not only went into hiding, but actively worked to convince mankind that we didn't even exist.

Fortunately, powerful magic helped a lot.

Also, this sentence felt awkward to me:

Most of those who were slaughtered this way were innocent normals, those without magic, though a great many Touched were killed as well.

I know exactly what this sentence is supposed to be saying, but it seems... like a run-on? I don't know.

Then I opened my eyes and gasped, "Holy pomegranate..."

I know this one isn't your fault, but when I read it I seriously burst out laughing.

Overall, I think you're a really talented storyteller. The little bits of humor were great, and I really like that their powers aren't the typical fantasy/sci-fi fare (pyrokinesis, x-ray vision, hadouken fireballs, etc.) Again, I'm not too familiar with the world of Harry Potter, so I might not have gotten any references that were there, but I'm very much looking forward to reading the next chapter! (You will post the next chapter, right? )

Thanks for the great read!

Haha, great story, I really like your storytelling.
I need to get up and finish my two stories that have been in my head for two years. T_T

I devoured the four (? looks like you renumbered them) chapters that are up so far.

Azalea, you've got me hooked. Addicting stuff. (Was that a heads up to Ranma 1/2 that I read in there?) Have you ever considered writing as a profession? You've certainly got an incredible amount of talent and creativity.

Thank you so much for posting this. I'll be hoping for more.

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have been highly advised to read your work - hope you are still working on this! however i have only read the introduction and (briefly) first chapter. this is a lot of writing! apologies in advance: lack of long attention span means i may not get through all of it anytime soon... hope you will understand.

great start on the intro. sets the scene well. very natural name integration of muggles->"normals" and witch/wizards->"touched" with hints at a history. i sense from the outset that this will take a different stance from the harry potter series in that Galen's is not a "self-discovery" type journey as it is for Harry.

at a brief glance through chapter 1 i notice a nice balance of narrative and dialogue - well done, not an easy thing to pull off. you also manage to get some "important facts" in to establish the greater novel setting, although you also inserted a few "small facts" like the story about the aunt and going through each of your family members' abilities.

in a sense, you have widened the distance between the presentation of your story and the presentation of rowling's because you continue to writing in a report-type style, rather than action (i mean the style, not the subject): long sentences, explanations. yes, things happen at the same time "grinned, knowing what was about to happen" - but they are expressed as extensions of sentences rather than independent actions. this gives the overall impression of someone remembering and reinterpreting the past (such as a journal entry) rather than an immediate series of events that happen to have the -ed ending, a sort of narrative past, which is, i think, closer to rowling's style. would you agree?

(edit: just an observation. not that it should emulate or distance itself from hp but couldn't help noticing )

edit: just realised i had completely omitted feedback. upon cursory glance through your other chapters i wonder if you feel the plot is a bit slow (are you still working on this piece?). it may help to speed events up a little. since i started referring to harry potter, i'll continue: rowling tends to throw in a minor disaster or amusing event when a plot element looks like it's slowing down, to keep the pace interesting. you may also consider shortening the time taken up by less significant events, such as walking down hallways, or introductions, etc - unless of course they are significant later down the line!

as have not read your other chapters am a bit in the dark here

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You're looking too much into it. I just began writing something I would enjoy reading and tried to fix some things along the way.

my apologies
it is enjoyable
keep up the good work

edit: i am realising belatedly that maybe you didn't want people to respond (seeing as this thread was apparently hidden for a long time). if you would still like feedback it'd be great to know what sort you wanted. if not, never mind. sorry again.

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*love*

Holy crap, Azalea. That was amazing! Here's what it looked like in my bedroom just now:

 Spoiler

me: OH MY GOD!!!! *reads more*

my brother: :f6:

me: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *continues reading*

my brother: :f6:

me: OMG YESSS!!! GO GAYLE!

my brother: Ok, what the pineapple are you reading. Jesus.

me: AWESOMENESS!

my brother:

Epic epic epic. EPIC! I read the rest of the chapters in one sitting, I couldn't bear to pull myself away from the screen! I even put on a bit of mood music while I was reading, hahaha. Thank you so much for finally posting the rest of it, I really enjoyed reading it!

Why did you not pursue writing as a career again? (I don't mean to be nosey or insensitive or anything, but I really love this. A lot.)

[edit:] Also, are there more adventures with Galen? I noticed you left the ending pretty open and I would love to read more if there is more...

I have decided to give this piece a long and proper critique, I'm printing it out now and will assess the grammar, storly line on the arc, plot and general visulation impact. I am happy to do this for you, look out for another post from me. I do proper criticiques and take all details seriously, especially on how you've compermized it.

Another mood swing that made you delete all of your text..?

Err, I see the work has been deleted. I guess I cannot perform the critique then.