Dear Southperry Fun House

It has come to my attention that I shave my pubes on a regular basis. Therefore, for the next two hours, I will stop all my urges of going to the bathroom and using warm soap + 3 month old Gillette razors to shave my pubes.

Please support me in my quest for vengeance.

While I pass the time, different barrels from the sea started falling from the sky like mites off a renaissance wig. Stealthily but surely, those barrels contain unlimited amounts of surprise. What could these surprises be? Are they related to my shaving abstinence? I dare not think so. If they're all random then that means, there's a one in an infinite chance that Christopher Walken will do a video game like Legend of Zelda where he will do the voice acting for all characters.

How does this related to fictional life? It doesn't, this is all due to the effect of the surprise barrels. Since they are randomly surprising, there's also a one in an infinite chance that it won't be related to fictional life but that isn't surprising at all so to make it go back to the surprise theme, it will become a 1 in an infinite chance that that 1 in an infinite chance is a random occurrence.

Five minutes into typing this, I dread the seconds that pass by as the longer I wait to shave, I fear that it will be a hard quest to finish later on. I imagine a grassland filled with gophers, lions, Adam Sandlers and mopeds frolicking amidst the stubble that is my pubic hair. It's a scary thought, do I have a phobia? A phobia of carbon based beings living amidst my pubic hair? Well I must say that is surprising. Is it possible? According to the Surprise Barrels, it is.

Three minutes have passed since the five minute mark...I'm sure of it, my pubic hair grew longer. What was once a young grassland of pubic hair is now a metropolis for a microscopic alien community. What are these new inhabitants finding in my pubic hair that is worth investing? I can hear the sound of their alien telephone calls selling plots of land. Every second that pass by is a year for them, every year that passes by in their alien world, the land value of my pubic hair is rising. I can't believe it, my pubic hair has its own economy. I wonder if my anus is as profitable...I doubt it but the surprise barrels say otherwise.

It seems that the aliens are starting to run out of resources as their technology isn't advanced enough to stop my ever growing pubic hair. Their civilization is doomed to be devoured by lush pubes, much like the Aztec temples have been swallowed by the forest into obscurity. As the economy starts to fall due to this, the crime rate in my pubes are rising. Alien gangsters are engaged in a turf war; the small patches of pubes that haven't overgrown goes to the victor...oh wait, that patch is gone.

Thirteen-thousand, four-hundred and sixty-eight alien years later...I mourn unabashedly as the last of the alien race has unfortunately perished due to an unforeseen calamity. A tornado hit the area...it was cold and I needed to warm up my testicles. R.I.P. to these aliens.

As I stand up and prepare to go to the bathroom, a thought occurred: Pee through the window. It's certainly random and surprising. Random for me because I have never done it on this country before and surprising for the unlucky passer-by that happens to catch the stream of rejuvenation escaping my penis.

There's a duck flying through the sky! Wait a duck? Duck's swim right? They have no business in the sky. Someone needs to shoot them down. Maybe there's leftover technology from the extinct alien race that I can use to kill that duck. I busily feel throughout my pubic hair for such items and I could not find any...I just ended up having an erection.

The duck's gone too. That duck gets to live another day.

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Image-stealer.

c

Mine first ;~; Momo's all mine, wtp mang. Y u gotta b lyke dat?!

Mine first ;~; Momo's all mine, wtp mang. Y u gotta b lyke dat?!

Oh.

For the sake of this conversation let's assume that two hours did indeed pass by.

I'm now stuck in a dilemma of shaving or not shaving. I tried to weigh out the pros and cons while also keeping in mind the Surprise Barrel aspect into the calculation. My mind is a jumble of crossroads right now due to this. If I shave my pubes off, I delete the history of aliens that took refuge in my body. Something like that is the same as taking a pomegranate over Washington's grave and then just leaving it at that. Actually come to think of it, it's something I want to do. I don't find it disrespectful at all since I'm leaving history in the hands of a dead man's corpse. I call that even.

Going back to the problem at hand, another pro is that when I fap madly like an elephant gestating for two years then there won't be much of a mess left. Just wipe the area with tissue/canola oil/chinchilla fur and you're good to go. Compare that to fapping and making a mess all over your pubic hair: not only does it feel gross to have this sticky fluid all over you (imagine molasses) it's most likely to stink later on. If you're the type of person that doesn't take a shower then in a year's time, you will have a frog infestation just as bad as Cane Toads taking over Australia.

Being pubic free also means that if somehow you're having a malfunction while urinating outside your window, the mess is contained only in the skin and not all over the hair where you have to go to the bathroom and start cleaning it out with shampoo, conditioner, and finally peach lotion. Alternatively if you don't have pubic hair, you can do the same thing to have silky-smooth skin that rivals the bottom of a baby.

Having these considerations in hand doesn't justify shaving my pubes. For one thing, how many times a day will I even attempt to urinate outside the window? Actually, how many times will I even have a malfunction while urinating? Another question concerns fapping. How many times will I fap in a day and how frequent will I just stupidly let that green juice fall on my body? I'm not into auto-erotic bukkake so that's highly unlikely.

All of my claims can be refuted by the Surprise Barrel though so back in the problem at hand, my Pubic hair is a free-for-all tournament with infinite players that will last for eight hours. Re-reading the last part of that sentence didn't make much sense...that's probably a factor from me being shave deprived and also sleep deprived.

I developed a new phobia...I can't fall asleep because I have a fear of my pubic hair plotting against me while I sleep. They know the impending doom of being erased from my body. They know of the impending flush down the toilet+Drano Max. They know of the impending doom of being purified in the water plant. My god, they are plotting against me as I speak! If I do shave them and the end up being purified into clean water...this is a hard aspect to grasp. Not only will the pubic hair go back inside me but it will also mutate into some transgender parasite that will be swallowed by all who drink liquids!

I cannot fathom the horror of my pubic hair involving innocent civilians in their vendetta against me. Please if anything, spare those citizens and kill that flying duck.

This should be in the shady tree.

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