English HW

Hey guys
I need someone to go over my English Hw. It's just an introduction paragraph on scapegoating that appears in the story "The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas." It needed a good hook and thesis statement so I essentially just need someone to check if they are good, and if not, what can be improved. This is for 10th grade Honors BTW.

Thanks

In the 1930's, Adolf Hitler had begun to put all of the blame for Germany's flaws onto the Jews. Hitler had essentially used the Jews as a scapegoat to make the rest of Germany superior and near-perfect. Similarly, in Ursula Le Guin's short story “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas.” the citizens of Omelas, an almost Utopian society, traps a child in a basement and blames the child for anything that goes wrong. The child is forced to stay in the basement and is forced to take the role of a scapegoat for deeds he had nothing to do with. The narrator describes how the city depends on that one child for balance. The child had done nothing to put himself inside the basement and he cannot protect himself from the others. Because the city of Omelas requires at least one citizen in the city to absorb the blame for all of their wrong doings to appear as if the rest of the city is flawless, they must entrap a helpless child and utilize that child as a scapegoat.

I'm not much of a composition person, but I can tell you this needs another comma somewhere, and perhaps removal of a period after the title.

Similarly, in Ursula Le Guin's short story “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas.” the citizens of Omelas, an almost Utopian society, traps a child in a basement and blames the child for anything that goes wrong.

Similarly, in Ursula Le Guin's short story, “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas,” the citizens of Omelas, an almost Utopian society, traps a child in a basement and blames the child for anything that goes wrong.

It's not bad, really. Other people might have more to say, but all I can is, make sure it flows into your 1st paragraph nicely. Essays that don't flow suck to read. Trust me. I'd know. UGH. D:

I'm not much of a composition person, but I can tell you this needs another comma somewhere, and perhaps removal of a period after the title.





It's not bad, really. Other people might have more to say, but all I can is, make sure it flows into your 1st paragraph nicely. Essays that don't flow suck to read. Trust me. I'd know. UGH. D:

Ah, wonder how I missed that.

And yeah I know, luckily, this is just an intro paragraph For now at least.

In the 1930's, Adolf Hitler had begun began to put all of the blame for Germany's flaws onto the Jews. Hitler had essentially used the Jews as a scapegoat to make the rest of Germany seem superior and near-perfect. Similarly, in Ursula Le Guin's short story, “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas”, the citizens of Omelas, an almost Utopian society, traps a child in a basement and blames the child for anything that goes wrong. The child is forced to stay in the basement and is forced to take the role of a scapegoat for deeds he had has nothing to do with. The narrator describes how the city depends on that one child for balance. The child had done nothing to put himself inside the basement and yet/but/still he cannot protect himself from the others. Because the city of Omelas requires at least one citizen in the city to absorb the blame for all of their wrong doings to appear as if the rest of the city is flawless, they must entrap a helpless child and utilize that child as a scapegoat.

Policed for you.

I feel something else is still off though. Perhaps:

Similarly to how Adolf Hitler had thrown all the blame for Germany's flaws on the Jews back in the 1930s so that the rest of his community could appear flawless, the citizens of Omelas, an almost Utopian city in Ursula Le Guin's short story, “The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas”, trapped a young boy in a basement and fed him regular blame for each and every mishap he had nothing to do with. The poor helpless boy did not have a chance to dispute his nonexistent guilts, nor could he resist and free himself from captivity, from his fate as a scapegoat being utilized to make sure that the rest of Omelas seems spotlessly perfect.

Just a suggestion. I can't tell what's not right with your sentences. I do grasp the idea so I guess it's okay, but I can't tell what's wrong with it seeing as I'm very hungry right now lol. I myself have always been a bad writer, I don't know if that ever changed but yeah well.. I tried.

Policed for you.

I feel something else is still off though. Perhaps:



Just a suggestion. I can't tell what's not right with your sentences. I do grasp the idea so I guess it's okay, but I can't tell what's wrong with it seeing as I'm very hungry right now lol. I myself have always been a bad writer, I don't know if that ever changed but yeah well.. I tried.

Actually it's "Title," not "Title",
And Will, two things:
1. In the sentence "citizens of Omelas, an almost Utopian society, traps," there shouldn't be a s after traps, citizens is plural, subject-verb agreement pliz.
2. Personally, I'd start it off like "Jews were the scapegoats used by Adolf Hitler and the Nazis for all the problems Germany faced in the 1920s&30s."