+- Southperry.net (https://www.southperry.net)
+-- Forum: Arts & Entertainment (https://www.southperry.net/forumdisplay.php?fid=12)
+--- Forum: Expressive Arts (https://www.southperry.net/forumdisplay.php?fid=70)
+---- Forum: The Shady Tree (https://www.southperry.net/forumdisplay.php?fid=85)
+---- Thread: (story) paradise (/showthread.php?tid=8519)
(story) paradise - ♥Ji - 2009-02-22
"paradise" by ji
And the people said that in the beginning, the world had created itself out of nothing. The animals that crawled over the land created themselves out of fish that swam in the sea, and humans in turn created themselves out of the animals they domineered. In those days, there was no purpose, and existence was empty, because they did not know where they were going.
And each human, being unsubmissive to any one ruler, fought for power over their fellow humans; man sought to subdue woman to his own desires, and woman sought to manipulate man to hers. Parents did not love their children and children hated their parents and sought to overthrow them. But they blamed each other for their problems, and continued in their ways, because they could not let go of their thirst for control.
And out of these sprang dissension and deception and arrogance throughout all humankind, for what is in one's heart emerges in their talk, and what is in one's talk emerges in their actions, and one's actions change others according to the way of the world. And disaster upon disaster fell upon the people; and yet they thought that they were good.
---
someone said post in the rubik's cube. so i did. please discuss. comments and constructive criticism is also welcome.
(story) paradise - Providence - 2009-02-22
♥Ji Wrote:"paradise" by jiThis was lovely. I read it almost as if it were narrated by an animal teaching of humanity, if that makes any sense.
And the people said that in the beginning, the world had created itself out of nothing. The animals that crawled over the land created themselves out of fish that swam in the sea, and humans in turn created themselves out of the animals they domineered. In those days, there was no purpose, and existence was empty, because they did not know where they were going.
And each human, being unsubmissive to any one ruler, fought for power over their fellow humans; man sought to subdue woman to his own desires, and woman sought to manipulate man to hers. Parents did not love their children and children hated their parents and sought to overthrow them. But they blamed each other for their problems, and continued in their ways, because they could not let go of their thirst for control.
And out of these sprang dissension and deception and arrogance throughout all humankind, for what is in one's heart emerges in their talk, and what is in one's talk emerges in their actions, and one's actions change others according to the way of the world. And disaster upon disaster fell upon the people; and yet they thought that they were good.
---
someone said post in the rubik's cube. so i did. please discuss. comments and constructive criticism is also welcome.
"...man sought to subdue woman to his own desires, and woman sought to manipulate man to hers" seemed very well thought-out.
The repeated "and" in the last paragraph was actually very fitting; almost melodic.
The only thing I found a bit awkward was the second half of the last sentence "and yet they thought that they were good." I'd also have liked for it to have been longer, though this is more of a compliment than a flaw. Bravo!
(story) paradise - ♥Ji - 2009-02-22
ah, thanks for reading! one of those 5-minute jobs actually: i didn't even think about the repeated "and." but actually you're right, it kinda does give it a rhythm. it does also mean that all the paragraphs begin with the same word - ah well!
i was actually parodying genesis 1 (biblical creation story), which records God as saying "And he saw that it [creation] was good." - if that explains the last bit. it does look a bit tacked on the end though. would you have cut it out entirely or put it in a new paragraph by itself?
animal teaching of humanity: nice way to put it. -mental image of a badger on a tree stump with badgers listening all around-
(story) paradise - Salguod - 2009-02-22
♥Ji Wrote:animal teaching of humanity: nice way to put it. -mental image of a badger on a tree stump with badgers listening all around-
Made me think of Redwall.
Anyway, I loved the tone of the story. It felt kind of.. unambitious and passionless, a simple description. I thought that was really done well.
About the last part, I think it would be good to put it in a new paragraph. "And disaster upon disaster fell upon the people" had a different rhythm, so when I was reading the last part, I was trying to stay in that rhythm and it didn't work. The new paragraph allowed me read it without influence from the previous sentence, so it sounded a lot better to me.