Southperry.net
Arcane Divide [PG-13] - Printable Version

+- Southperry.net (https://www.southperry.net)
+-- Forum: Arts & Entertainment (https://www.southperry.net/forumdisplay.php?fid=12)
+--- Forum: Expressive Arts (https://www.southperry.net/forumdisplay.php?fid=70)
+---- Forum: The Shady Tree (https://www.southperry.net/forumdisplay.php?fid=85)
+---- Thread: Arcane Divide [PG-13] (/showthread.php?tid=42698)



Arcane Divide [PG-13] - chrome - 2011-06-05

been a while since i've written anything like this. i used to be big on writing, albeit terrible at it, back when i still posted on sleepywood. i like to think of this as reliving all the good memories i had with MS way back whenever. please note that it's still a WIP and i doubt i'll be finishing very soon, but i'll post each chapter as i complete it. please leave reviews and criticism, as they do nothing but help me improve. don't be afraid to point out errors.

fanfiction.net link

---

[SIZE="6"][COLOR="black"]Arcane Divide[/SIZE]
by Ben/Chrome/Boneface/whatever[/COLOR]

Disclaimer: Maplestory and all therein belong to Wizet and Nexon; I make no profit from this. I do, however, own the concept of this story.

[COLOR="black"]
 Prologue: Rebirth
 Chapter 1: Reward
 Chapter 2: Midgame (INCOMPLETE)
[/color]



Arcane Divide [PG-13] - Throes - 2011-06-07

Really nice to see this finally being continued. I'm not usually one for MS fanfiction but I'll make an exception for you. Chin Some nitpicks and comments:

prologue Wrote:It was just a simple alchemic process, transfusing energy from the environment into a jewel, but doing so with dark energy in its pure form was taxing, both physically and mentally, and thus only experienced alchemists could do such a thing without straining themselves to the point of injury.

This is a really long sentence. I feel like the narrator would be running short of breath were they reading this out loud. Maybe split it into two? "It was just a simple alchemic process, transfusing energy from the environment into a jewel. However, doing so with dark energy in its pure form was taxing, both physically and mentally, and thus only experienced alchemists could do such a thing without straining themselves to the point of injury."

I really like the Omok banter, I think it's a nice touch (even though I think I've only ever played one game of Omok and I don't really understand what they're talking about.)

chapter 1 Wrote:A savory waft of roasting meat...
...laced with the growing smell of roasting meat...
Don't know if you were being redundant on purpose here but I thought it was a bit repetitive. I know these sentences are a few paragraphs apart but as I read this the first time through I had to stop myself because I thought I was reading the same line twice. I don't really have a suggestion on how to change it though.

Overall I'm really liking it so far. Excited to find out how the prologue and the first chapter end up tying together; the mood is so different between the two it feels like they could be completely separate stories. Write more! Glitter


Arcane Divide [PG-13] - chrome - 2011-10-17

chapter 2 (about halfway done) added for review purposes. i'm not sure how i feel about it yet.

P.S. whenever i add an incomplete chapter please tell me how it's going, i really want to know if i'm on the right track or not since i'm always unsure of myself.

EDIT: i cleaned a bit of what i have for chapter 2 up a little. i've still to write the rest of it.