1. -I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

2. -More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

3. -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

4. -I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

5 -Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

6 -That’s enough, Nickelback.

7 -I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

8 -Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

9 -Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know
how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

10 -There is a great need for sarcasm font.

11 -Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

12 -I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

13 -How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14 -I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15 -I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

16 -The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

17 -A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18 -Was learning cursive really necessary?

19 -Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

20 -I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

21 -Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22 -My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.

23 -Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

24 -How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

25 -I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a plantain from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26 -Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

27 -What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28 -While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

29 -MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30 -Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

31 -I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32 -Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

33 -I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

34 -I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

35 -Bad decisions make good stories

36 -Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

37 -Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

38 -If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

39 -Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

40 -You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

41 -Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

42 -There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

43 -I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

44 -“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

45 -I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

46 -I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

47 -I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

48 -When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

49 -I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50 -Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

51 -As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52 -Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

53 -It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

54 -I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

55 -Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what to do with it.

56 -Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

57 -My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

58 -It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

59 -I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

60 -I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

61 -I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

1. People actually have this problem?
2. Never happened to me.
3. I still take naps when I want too.
4. People who can't tell sarcasm even over the internet don't deserve it.
5. Just like a normal sheet, dumbass.
6. Yes it was and that is coming from a person who has printed all their life.
7. As sad as it is some people don't.
8. Maybe.
9. I am only tried after I've been awake for over 24 hours.
10. Not always.
11. Never had this happen.
12. Bluray? Please, I still have my Betamax and VHS tapes.
13. Never happened to me.
14. Not for me.
15. Never happened to me.
16. Looking good is for the low-down unimportant masses, what are you talking about?
17. No one annoying calls me so I have no need to do this.
18. I'll give you this one.
19. Never really been to a bar to pick up someone so I don't know about this one. I guess it can be true.
20. Ghettos are good scenic routes.
21. Never happened to me.
22. I admit I carry about 5 plastic bags in each hand, but I still have to make more than one trip.
23. Texting while driving? What are you, a f'ucking moron?
24. Never had this problem.
25. I've almost always understood the person who was talking to so I haven't really had this problem.
26. Never happened to me.
27. Pants do get dirty, and you can't wear them forever if you work outside a lot.
28. Despite the fact that all grades in school are teaching harder stuff than when I was in school I do have to agree that it seems like kids get stupider by the day.
29. I get enjoyment out of that feeling, not fear.
30. No.
31. No.
32. Alarms? Hahahahahaha.

2. I am a better listener than I am a talker.
4. Um, what?
5. And make yourself look more like an idiot and crazy? No, I just turn around without any bulls'hit.
6. I have no problems with Nickelback.
8. No.
9. You sometimes have to clean those discs off so it's the same thing.
12. No.
17. I've never played beer pong and never will.
19. Okay, I'll give you this one.
21. No.
22. Um, okay?
23. Sounds like someone with "real" smarts is mad that they got outsmarted by someone with "imaginary" smarts.
26. Never had this problem.
27. I've done this before, they both come to you with basically the same notes and then get very pissed at you.
28. Never had this problem.
31. Okay?
33. Okay?
36. No.
37. I'll give you this one and raise you that girls even in middle school are slutty. And the guys aren't much better.
38. That is nice?
39. Never had this problem.
41. Again, I still have Betamax and VHS tapes. Screw your discs.
45. Never had this problem.
48. I sort of have this problem with people, but it's not because of the internet.
49. All the music I have is all music I love to hear.
50. Okay?
53. Okay?
55. Wrong for me.
57. Okay?
58. Okay, I give you this one.
59. They don't, that is why they hide behind things when people are looking.