Woah look here!

So last night I posted the real update were getting, that spadow failed to even find! However nexon came out of the shadows and threatened mr.basil with a million and one law suits and had to close my thread, so instead I'll take another approach and call this a hypothetical scenario. Seems like all our complaints reached the ears of Nexon about these broken legends!:

Now let's just say nexon would/maybe/ isgoingtoo post this:

Pexon Wrote:Hi our loyal maplers! Summer going great huh? Who needs sunlight, pools and parties when you have a $25 nexon card and an entire town dedicated to anti-social people you can relate too! Who also happens to spam our ticketing system with oral fixations of genitials, big middle finger to you too. However we are willing to overlook this considering our game is designed for children, and will accept your parents sucked at raising you. Especially if they gave you permission to download this game which is pretty much you playing as an avatar and making money by gambling on someones stupidity or gachapon. And if we catch you avoiding our games design by buying mesos, your ass will not only be banned but we'll have a public beheading while our npc corey will then send the FBI to shove your monitor up your ass. We decided to release the new 5th job in response of the broken Legends that you won't shut up about! Excited to be the highest job advancement in maplestory? Sucks to be you because our 6th advancement will probably come out in 3 other months. Were also raising the level cap to 400 so we can watch all the current 200's fight for the number one spot. Here's the details of our amazing patch!

[header]Bowman[/header]

Bowmaster-> Defense turret

Okay we all know we have a strong urge for bowmasters, like a 40 year old in a white van near the playground, urge. What could we add to a class that shoots 8 arrows a second with high avoid and unparrellel accuracy without breaking them? You don't! You break the hell out of em and hope they don't crash the game because they have a skill that has the same effect as the disconnect hack! That's right, we weren't ignoring it, we were studying it so we could incooperate it in this bad boy. Pretty much this is how it rolls, you summon a frekin brick over your head wiht a hole in it and have it fall on top of you. Sound's pretty anticlimatic? Hell to the no! This bad boy doubles your hp, makes you invulernable to anything but a half naked blonde chickin knockin on your door. Need a bow? Pft that for panzies, we just install this miniturret with 360 degree action to shoot one concentrated laser slicing monsters like a light saber to butter. Hell you'll never be hungry again because it cooks your meals while you kill! 8 arrows a second? Ha, this weapon only has you firin once from your goddam brick house, try to blow this down wolfie.

Marksman -> MarksWomen

This class is like our secret lover, they are so good, but because they wield crossbows they are like the bubonic plague. So we decied to give the marksman some love and put some D's on it with some PMSing rage, which our bit system wouldn't let us put a weapon attack to reflect the power so we had to settle with the max 2.1b+ weapon attack. We also make this the only class that can break the damage cap, cus we have a bunch of feminists in the office.

[header]Magician -> ImmaQuit[/header]

Now you'll notice there's no specific update with the magician class. That's because we gave them all one new buff! We call it, 200BoF/Echo crack. This buff works as a generator, every 2x card you recieve you get double the exp upon the expiration of the 2x card! Gained 4 levels in 4 hours? Eff that you just gained 8! We obviously love our maplers by making level 200 BoF mules faster!


[header]Pirate[/header]

Buccaneer-> Machamp

What can we add to a class that has invisible frames in nearly every attack? Definitely not a critical that does damage to bosses! Hell we'll up your ante with a goddam 4 arm monstrosity that is the sole reason this game is rated M. After copying most anime's like naruto, pokemon, bleach, and whatever else, we lose track, we decided to give our mature players more of a turn on than copied hairstyles! With this beast you perform nothing but "fatality" combo's, and somehow we got through most of the copyright! Like sub zero? Hell lets add some elemental charges so you can turn HT into a snowman and crack him like a popcycle. What's that? You feel slow? Well that's why we added "roids" litterally giving you max speed, actually hell with that, the skills are so slow lets just half the FPS and make Dragonstrike dance macro more like TT, WE LIKEY SPAM.


Corsair-> Enal Officer

Okay screw the battleship, here's an aircraft carrier. When you summon it, the very base of the boat crushers monsters to look like paintball shots along the starboard. What your landing missed? Say hello to 5 f16's from hell ready to dig you in a 400%/400% Y to X axis grave. Seriously the explosion enough will give you a seizure, but were not responsible if you look at the screen while playing, it's somewhere in our TOS.

[header]Theif[/header]

Night lord -> IMNOTANEFFINNINJA

5th job advancment, 1 more star? Hell to the naw, we just rip your characters arms off and attach two gernade launchers.The explosions alone hitting 26 targets, unlike stars that chip away, these gernades blow it off. Ever see zakums arms fall off? Well with this phychopath, there won't be a time you won't! Hell, with 360 degree's of pure demolition, by the time you land from your flash jump, you'll probably have no ground to land on. And with Se somehow those generades turn into straight up missles, the atom bomb has jack on this.

Shadower -> Cynicower

Let's face it, chief bandits suck, shadowers suck, one dagger wielding class overall sucks. That's why we made duel blades! For christ sake two blades! So while we were pleasuring ourself to duel bladers DPS, we started feeling guilty, well not really, just the release of duel bladers gave us a lot of hate mail from the BBB so we decided to give the shadowers a break, dam one dagger using--nevermind. Obviously were expecting the shadowers to be cynical, because ya know, we hate them, hence the name! Anway, we decided to slop a big scoop of soul calibur in this beast and make these daggers more like edged whips, cus you know, the only thing shadower is, sexy. 360 attacks a second across a 500% tunnel of death. Who the hell needs some 40% fake when you're pretty much a walking projectile blender.

[header]Warrior[/header]

Dark knight-> IMADRAGON

I don't know what we were snorting when we went dragon -> dark. Seriously, it's about time we made a Knight/Dragon hybrid, which essetinally a steel plated dinosaur with wings, who the hell doesn't want that? Anyone on it's bad side. We pretty much stapled a pair of wings so, a tail, and the ability to wield 3 spears, why 3? We're asian, we like 3 okay? Anyway, this monster goes around flying like a falcon to pick up its prey and gut it 300 pixels off the ground. Seriously, who the hell needs to get their feet dirty when slaughtering a village? Not a IMADRAGOn thats who! Don't want to get your spears dirty? Hell who the hell needs that when you have 3 minions. That's right, we made your lil eyeballs into big ass eyeballs who shoot lasers. You'll feel more like you're playing metal gear slug with a giant dragon. And if you're really feeling bad ass we gave you the ability shoot purple fire. Hell yeah.

Hero-> Zero

Died as a hero, now you're a zero. Dont worry bro, you aren't in my book, especially when you're walking around with two axes with frekin chains wrapped your wrists. Ever play frisbey with a tomahawk? It's much better when you're the one doing the throwing. What boss too big to take down in a few swings, wrap your chains around it and unlock the blades within the links of the chain. Ashes ashes, they all fall down, with a thousand skin slitting cuts. Let's face it, you don't die with the impact of a barreling tomahawk in your face, you wish you did when they skin you alive. The only zero about this class is the surivors.

Paladin -> Kanye West

We already gave you double charging, a hammer that kills everything on the map and enough defense to butt plug a ramming from pink bean, seriously all we could do is give this class an ego. Once a white knight, then a paladin, now a black egotistical, taylor swift bullying jack ass.