+- Southperry.net (https://www.southperry.net)
+-- Forum: Arts & Entertainment (https://www.southperry.net/forumdisplay.php?fid=12)
+--- Forum: Expressive Arts (https://www.southperry.net/forumdisplay.php?fid=70)
+---- Forum: The Shady Tree (https://www.southperry.net/forumdisplay.php?fid=85)
+---- Thread: L.G.M.S., short entry. (rate please?) (/showthread.php?tid=16337)
L.G.M.S., short entry. (rate please?) - TøbiasBlack - 2009-09-14
this is going to be a short entry of a story concept of mine. the title is, non-abbreviated, Little Girl Murder Society. as one can guess, its a story of girls, aged 9~17, that are, well... murderers. what i will be writing, in this same context; as in, im writing this all free-hand, not copy-pasting it from word/notepad to here, no, im writing it all now, is a short entry from it. the characters that will be given are the two main characters, named Brianna and Arielle, as well as another girl, named Michelle. there will be reference to another set of characters, namely a pastor, that would normally appear earlier in the "chapter" im giving you a peek at, but this excerpt is going to be the end of this chapter, after the girls' encounter with this man.
also... L>Easier method of indentation.. im going to have to omit it here, sadly, due to ease on myself.
~~~
"Hey, sis, don't you think we were a bit too mean to that old guy?" asked Bri, feeling a bit distraught after what she had just been a part of. Of course she had grown accustomed to killing people, but, more times then not they were people out to hurt her and her sisters, and they killed out of self-defense. She was still rattled by the event.
"No way, that old fool got what he had comin'. Trying to preach to us, us, that we needed to, 'atone for all of our misdeeds and repent our sins.' " Michelle spat onto the ground, the spit breaking on a rock. "That old fucker deserved everything he got."
Brianna, still nervous and uneasy, sped up and stood in front of 'chelle, stopping her in her tracks. She then grabbed hold of her shirt and pulled her face right to her own, and said "but Michelle, that old man was just trying to help us! Why did you have to order us to beat him to a pulp?!"
Michelle pushed Brianna back, landing onto the ground with a thud on her rump. Michelle stood over top of Brianna, fists clenched tightly, and glared down at her. "Who the fuck do you think you fucking are?! I am in charge here, ME! You have NO authority here, GOT THAT?" Brianna flinched in fear as Michelle started to kick her in her chest. Pain ran all throughout her body with each blow.
Crying, she yelled out for her to stop, pleading with every breath she could muster. Only after almost losing consciousness did Michelle accept her apologies, and a demented smirk streaked across her face. Triumphantly, she stepped over the crying Brianna, curled up in a fetal position trying to nurse her injuries.
After leaving the church, helping the nun tend to the cuts, bruises, and scrapes on the elderly pastor, Arielle left the church, and saw her sister lying on the ground, what she could see of her face covered with blood, and clutching her chest, crying. Arielle, shocked, ran over to see if her sister was all right, trying to comfort her with her still bloody hands.
"Sis, SIS! Are you OK? Who did this to you?!" she asked frantically. Brianna was unable to muster a single word, now coughing up blood whilst crying. One of the other orphans came over to pull Arielle away from her sister.
"Ari," she said, "your sister was trying to question 'chelle, and she disciplined her. Now come on, or you'll be left behind!" She kept trying to pull Arielle away from her sister, but, in blind fury, she lashed out and clawed the girls face with her sharp blood-stained nails. The girl fell backwards, her hands covering her now scarred face. The other girls stopped to look back at what was going on behind them. Michelle, the closest to the affair, ran up to Arielle and punched her straight across her face, sending her rolling backwards on the ground.
"Lets go; either you leave your disobedient sister behind, or you'll get abandoned like her, got that!?" She stood straight, her teeth clenched and her fists tightly gripped, her breath coming out in short pants. Arianna, wiping the blood from her cheek, stood up, and glared right back at Michelle.
She then charged towards her, shouting out various obscenities as she ran headlong into Michelle's abdomen, tackling her to the ground. The two of them fought, wrestling on the street, clawing, kicking, punching, biting, pulling hair, and ripping each others clothing. All of the girls now gathered around them in a circle, chanting and cheering them on. Michelle reached out and tried to blind Arianna by clawing out her eyes, but she dodged her attack, grabbed her hand, and bent her wrist and fingers backwards, breaking Michelle's hand in the process. Michelle let out a thunderous roar of pain, and kicked Arianna square in the back, sending her head crashing into the pavement. Michelle then mounted her back and repeatedly bashed Arianna's face into the ground.
Suddenly, a gun shot rang trough the air, and everyone stopped their shouting, and Michelle froze, still pressing Arianna's head into the ground. Brianna, kneeling on one leg, arms shaking, held in her hands a pistol, and fired another round into the air. At that all of the girls jumped in shock, and quickly Brianna brought the gun down and pointed it directly at Michelle.
"If you do not let go of my sister," she said, biting through her pain and tears, "then i swear to God, I will fucking blow your brains out of your mother fucking skull, you got that bitch?!" She aimed the gun at her head, and Michelle, a look of utter fear in her eyes, let go of her sister and stood up, arms raised into the air. "From now on, I'm in charge, got that?!"
~~~
sorry for the profanity. =/
the setting/plot, as far as i want to divulge is this: two girls are the main characters, twin sisters. they live in an orphange in a dystopic future, where corruption rules and sex reigns everywhere you look. they escape, and join a band of fellow runaways, and the story tells of the sisters plights with this group, the struggles they face, and the events leading up to *omitted, due to plot device*. the sisters are both 13, and Michelle ive aged at around 16. if i ever decide to fully pursue this and write out the whole story, and try to get it published, 1) i doubt anyone will want to publish this thing, and 2) if anyone does, surely this will turn heads. teenage girls nearly killing a pastor, and beating one another to a bloody messy pulp? no doubt.
but i digress; from just this, would you want to read more? what/how would you rate this tiny peek as? criticism/critiques? anything at all? questions? and if so, ill try to answer them without giving away too much of the story, as it is still in development.
L.G.M.S., short entry. (rate please?) - Corn - 2009-09-14
Excellent work.
[noparse][indent]JK.[/indent][/noparse]
L.G.M.S., short entry. (rate please?) - MetaSeraphim - 2009-09-14
I enjoyed it, and I would like to read more of it. I don't really have much to critique on though. The only thing I can think of is that most of the time I believe profanity sort of takes away from the story, but in a story like this it fits.
L.G.M.S., short entry. (rate please?) - TøbiasBlack - 2009-09-15
MetaSeraphim Wrote:I enjoyed it, and I would like to read more of it. I don't really have much to critique on though. The only thing I can think of is that most of the time I believe profanity sort of takes away from the story, but in a story like this it fits.
thanks for the input. as for the profanity... well, i try to limit it as much as possible in most things i "write," but with this setting and plot, and this specific scene, there was no way to avoid using it. it helped add to the starkness that is the reality for these girls. and as for the characters themselves, the main sisters arent normally ones to curse. this is, i think, going to be one of the first times they have cursed at all. though the "leaders" of the pack of orphans tend to be crude, only one, not listed, curses a lot. though, her story is a bit more dark, and it involves an aspect of life id much rather avoid, but i cannot with her, so...
all in all this was mostly a motivator for me to see if i could write this. seeing this makes me want to consider handing in a rough copy to my english professor and having him see what he thinks of it. =/